How long has it been since you tried to do something and, in spite your best efforts, things went the wrong way? For me, it hasn’t been very long. Deep sigh. I’ll share in hopes that you can learn from my folly. You see, I seem to have this occasional knack for arrogance without intending to. Call it over-confidence or a lack of consideration; it’s a character trait that will quickly offend if I am not watchful. This week, I wasn’t watching.
A few days ago I had a conversation with a good friend – one of my favorite people in the world to talk with. She always has beautiful insights and she is willing to challenge me, which is really helpful. It’s a blessing because I don’t think it’s good to believe everything you think, and another perspective can really help. I am more inclined to listen to criticism from a good friend who knows me well and expresses honest feelings. That kind of openness is a rare gift.
Previous to our conversation, I had shared a personal opinion that seemed to fidget in my friend’s mind. It was restless and didn’t sit well. As might be expected, the idea came up in our next conversation. After discussing what came to be a difference of opinion, my friend did the wise thing and suggested that we put the topic on hold. I missed the cue. In my eagerness to resolve the conversation, I hoped to clarify my point of view. My friend then offered a valuable question. She asked, “Do you hope I will see things your way if you keep talking about it?” Ouch. Her question was hard to hear, but it was very helpful to me. I think it will shift the way I think for the better.
Unfortunately, my disappointment continued to grow before her question sunk in. That makes me a bit arrogant and thick. Sigh again. Why is it we don’t always think clearly in moments of frustration? After we said goodbye, I had a hard time concentrating on much else. It wasn’t because we had a difference of opinion. Rather it was because I felt misunderstood. Hmmm. What else is someone who is arrogant to think? The fact is my reasons didn’t matter. My friend was right. Then something cool happened.
During my frustration, a proverb came to mind. “Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.” (Proverbs 9:8-9) At that moment, I didn’t feel very wise. Thankfully, it’s not too late to change.
My story may not be the best evidence, but I highly value differing opinions. I tend to learn more from friends who offer another perspective. In the case of my friend, I’ve noticed that when she has challenged me in the past, whether I am right or wrong, she usually sees something that I cannot. I am grateful for that insight.
In some areas I am a very slow learner. I’m afraid this is one of them. Fortunately, I think I am making progress. I now realize that my persistence didn’t match the gift of openness that I value so much. More importantly, I discovered that an honest observation can provide some good instruction. I believe it will help me to be a much better friend.
It is good to be wise. It is better yet to have friends with wisdom. How lucky I am to have such a friend.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Question
Surprised, I stopped and noticed it –
A question – hiding behind my confidence,
The quiet voice I forgot was there,
Familiar against my silence.
This mark, I thought, had gone away –
Scolded and disciplined for loitering.
Instead it wagged its finger at me,
That question that is questioning.
Should I be worried? Is my faith weak,
I asked, If unresolved the mark remains?
If I have answered more than once,
How long until it stays away?
I took my stance before the mark
As though it were not there.
Exchanging weakness for my strength,
I lowly knelt in prayer.
Even lower did I stand
When I was answered not a word.
Was it the fault of mark or mine,
When my prayer went unheard?
With my adjusted stature,
I saw no place to hide,
Not for me, nor my question,
Beneath confidence, stature, or pride.
I resolved myself to move along
With intentions that are good,
And when my mark no longer questioned,
That’s where my answer stood.
Some answers come by gentle words
That match the quiet voice.
Yet some are found by pure resolve
And in the honest choice.
Perhaps the mark found a place
To hide until I’m weak.
It’s finger to wag, and words to wave
With tongue placed in cheek.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
A question – hiding behind my confidence,
The quiet voice I forgot was there,
Familiar against my silence.
This mark, I thought, had gone away –
Scolded and disciplined for loitering.
Instead it wagged its finger at me,
That question that is questioning.
Should I be worried? Is my faith weak,
I asked, If unresolved the mark remains?
If I have answered more than once,
How long until it stays away?
I took my stance before the mark
As though it were not there.
Exchanging weakness for my strength,
I lowly knelt in prayer.
Even lower did I stand
When I was answered not a word.
Was it the fault of mark or mine,
When my prayer went unheard?
With my adjusted stature,
I saw no place to hide,
Not for me, nor my question,
Beneath confidence, stature, or pride.
I resolved myself to move along
With intentions that are good,
And when my mark no longer questioned,
That’s where my answer stood.
Some answers come by gentle words
That match the quiet voice.
Yet some are found by pure resolve
And in the honest choice.
Perhaps the mark found a place
To hide until I’m weak.
It’s finger to wag, and words to wave
With tongue placed in cheek.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
Sunday, February 13, 2011
How’s Your Appetite?
Some things aren’t right or wrong. They simply are what we make them. My appetites, for instance, as well as my desires and passions, can give me a lot of pleasure and happiness, or they can get me into trouble. On their own they aren’t good or bad, but they are motivators. They provide a reason for me to make choices. And that, I believe, is one of the most important reasons for mortality.
From the time I was nine years old, I had very few issues with my appetite for eating, or so I thought. I enjoyed food and I ate as much as I wanted. Consequently, I was the fat little kid the other kids made fun of, and I was always the last one to be picked on a team for sports. I may not have liked being called fatso or gordo, but I learned to live with it over the next ten years of my life.
Every once in a while during my childhood, I would get sick and lose my appetite. It was usually due to a bad cold or the flu. On a number of such occasions, I remember my Mom asking me, “How’s your appetite?” She knew one of the first signs of recovery was that my appetite would come back. She was right.
These two memories frame an interesting perspective on appetites for me. On one hand, I felt like my active appetite wasn’t a problem, yet I had a hard time controlling it. On the other, the only time my hunger slowed down was when I was sick. Controlling wasn’t a problem because my appetite went away. I’ve found the healthiest place for me to be is right in the middle. Without hunger, I would lose motivation to eat. Without control, I would have no discipline and would have to live with natural consequences. Self-control allows me to enjoy my appetites.
I believe the patterns I have experienced with my appetite to eat can be applied to all of our appetites. Whether it is a desire for a simple indulgence such as a cookie for a snack or dessert, a need for sleep, or a desire for sexual intimacy, all appetites need restraint and control.
The prophet Alma counseled his son, Shiblon, to bridle his passions so that he could be filled with love. (Alma 38:12) He didn’t tell him to be ashamed of his passions, or suppress them. Alma merely cautioned him so that he could enjoy positive natural consequences.
King Benjamin taught that the natural man is an enemy to God. (Mosiah 3:19) Is that because we are inherently evil? I don’t believe so. I do believe it is in our natures to give preference to our appetites, even at the risk of offending God. We like to eat when we are hungry, and we get grumpy when we have to go without. The more I defer to my body, the louder that inner voice gets and the less restraint I have. When I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, I feel greater spiritual strength and comfort from within. When we do the latter, we are in less danger of being “lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God.” (2 Timothy 3:4)
I have often been inspired by a principle the Lord taught Abraham about self-control. Speaking of Himself, He said, “there is nothing that the Lord thy God shall take in his heart to do but what he will do it.” (Abraham 3:17) God is the perfect example of self-control. If I wish to be like Him, then I must learn to bridle my passions, my desires, and my appetites.
Because our appetites can often be very strong, and can easily sway our decisions in the brevity of a single choice, it is not unlikely that we will make incorrect choices in the moment of hunger. Looking at our appetites ahead of time can help avoid making prejudiced decisions.
One simple question that has helped me to make better choices is this: Will my choice allow me freedom to make more choices, or will it limit my ability to choose?
Eating healthily gives me physical strength and nourishment to take care of my body. If I eat whatever I want without restraint, I personally find that I become overweight and am more inclined to indulge. This allows me less freedom to be physically active, and encourages me to eat more so that I can find some pleasure in satisfying my appetite. Repeating this behavior can lock me in to fewer choices that will help me to be happy. Simply said, I begin to consume for my lusts.
Other appetites can be much more addictive than eating food. When I begin to dedicate – and even consume – more and more of my time, talents, and personal resources to feed an appetite, I believe I am guilty of feeding my lusts, and that makes it harder to feel the spirit.
I feel strongly that we shouldn’t feel guilty for our internal motivations. They are what we make of them. Appetites are wonderful evidence that we are alive and well. The ability to control those motivations helps me to feel empowered, and even more confident that I can act for myself, and not simply be acted upon by my appetites. As long as I am able to recognize and follow the spirit, I feel much better about my choices, and my appetites.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
From the time I was nine years old, I had very few issues with my appetite for eating, or so I thought. I enjoyed food and I ate as much as I wanted. Consequently, I was the fat little kid the other kids made fun of, and I was always the last one to be picked on a team for sports. I may not have liked being called fatso or gordo, but I learned to live with it over the next ten years of my life.
Every once in a while during my childhood, I would get sick and lose my appetite. It was usually due to a bad cold or the flu. On a number of such occasions, I remember my Mom asking me, “How’s your appetite?” She knew one of the first signs of recovery was that my appetite would come back. She was right.
These two memories frame an interesting perspective on appetites for me. On one hand, I felt like my active appetite wasn’t a problem, yet I had a hard time controlling it. On the other, the only time my hunger slowed down was when I was sick. Controlling wasn’t a problem because my appetite went away. I’ve found the healthiest place for me to be is right in the middle. Without hunger, I would lose motivation to eat. Without control, I would have no discipline and would have to live with natural consequences. Self-control allows me to enjoy my appetites.
I believe the patterns I have experienced with my appetite to eat can be applied to all of our appetites. Whether it is a desire for a simple indulgence such as a cookie for a snack or dessert, a need for sleep, or a desire for sexual intimacy, all appetites need restraint and control.
The prophet Alma counseled his son, Shiblon, to bridle his passions so that he could be filled with love. (Alma 38:12) He didn’t tell him to be ashamed of his passions, or suppress them. Alma merely cautioned him so that he could enjoy positive natural consequences.
King Benjamin taught that the natural man is an enemy to God. (Mosiah 3:19) Is that because we are inherently evil? I don’t believe so. I do believe it is in our natures to give preference to our appetites, even at the risk of offending God. We like to eat when we are hungry, and we get grumpy when we have to go without. The more I defer to my body, the louder that inner voice gets and the less restraint I have. When I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, I feel greater spiritual strength and comfort from within. When we do the latter, we are in less danger of being “lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God.” (2 Timothy 3:4)
I have often been inspired by a principle the Lord taught Abraham about self-control. Speaking of Himself, He said, “there is nothing that the Lord thy God shall take in his heart to do but what he will do it.” (Abraham 3:17) God is the perfect example of self-control. If I wish to be like Him, then I must learn to bridle my passions, my desires, and my appetites.
Because our appetites can often be very strong, and can easily sway our decisions in the brevity of a single choice, it is not unlikely that we will make incorrect choices in the moment of hunger. Looking at our appetites ahead of time can help avoid making prejudiced decisions.
One simple question that has helped me to make better choices is this: Will my choice allow me freedom to make more choices, or will it limit my ability to choose?
Eating healthily gives me physical strength and nourishment to take care of my body. If I eat whatever I want without restraint, I personally find that I become overweight and am more inclined to indulge. This allows me less freedom to be physically active, and encourages me to eat more so that I can find some pleasure in satisfying my appetite. Repeating this behavior can lock me in to fewer choices that will help me to be happy. Simply said, I begin to consume for my lusts.
Other appetites can be much more addictive than eating food. When I begin to dedicate – and even consume – more and more of my time, talents, and personal resources to feed an appetite, I believe I am guilty of feeding my lusts, and that makes it harder to feel the spirit.
I feel strongly that we shouldn’t feel guilty for our internal motivations. They are what we make of them. Appetites are wonderful evidence that we are alive and well. The ability to control those motivations helps me to feel empowered, and even more confident that I can act for myself, and not simply be acted upon by my appetites. As long as I am able to recognize and follow the spirit, I feel much better about my choices, and my appetites.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Struggles with Guilt
I was nine. My friend and I were playing at his house. We went to a part we knew was off limits. There in front of us were piles of pornographic magazines. We didn’t go there looking for them, but we were curious about why we weren’t allowed in the room. It didn’t take long to find out. I was hesitant at first, but I chose to pick one up and browse through its pages. To this day, simply mentioning the topic of pornography will retrieve a few of those images to my mind. Some parts are still very clear, unless I purposefully block them. I’ve found I am not alone.
Over the last few years, it has been my privilege to be at important crossroads for a lot of people. I have interviewed candidates who are excited to serve a full-time mission for our church. I have met with a large number of young couples who are planning to get married. Some of those marriages I have performed. I have also done a fair share of marriage counseling to help couples who have been together for a long time. Many of these moments have been beautiful.
In a large number of my interviews, I have become aware how similar my childhood experience was to other men and women. They, at a young age, were exposed to explicit images that have had a powerful affect on them. Quite often they were exposed repeatedly. Frequently, this repetition was accompanied with some form of abuse or some other violation of personal comfort. It is not uncommon for a single act taught to a child to be repeated again in their own life. It is heartbreaking to discover this kind of pain at a crossroads-moment that should be beautiful, especially if this discovery creates a speed bump or an obstacle that delays an anticipated goal such as marriage.
Considering what I know now, I feel lucky to have escaped more painful incidents at a young age – very lucky. My encounters with explicit images did not result in a habit-forming addiction to pornography, but I wasn’t immune. It is still a temptation. My early experiences awakened feelings that are both powerful and personal. Desires were aroused that made it difficult to control my thoughts and actions. Though I repented of my sins and feel forgiven, I still feel a degree of shame for my actions.
Had my exposure to images and desire been more frequent, I don’t know that I would have escaped the more malignant sins that are becoming increasingly common. I believe I would be caught in much greater torment like so many friends I know who have been affected their whole lives. Though my personal circumstances were less disastrous, I tasted enough of desire and shame to relate to someone who is struggling. I know the power of an addiction. I also understand the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and it is beautiful. It is real.
Jesus Christ is the only perfect being to live in mortality on this earth. Not only was He born into the same conditions that we all experience, He took upon Himself our sins and transgressions. He felt the weight of our sins as He paid the price of our shame and guilt. “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows…. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities … and with his stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4-5)
Before I “esteem him naught,” thinking that He can’t help me, or any of us, out of a difficult mistake, I have to remind myself that Jesus has already taken upon Himself our sins. The ransom has already been paid. The work has been done, at least the part that would otherwise seem impossible. What is left is an opportunity to have faith in Him, believing that He is mighty to save. He is waiting for me to trust Him and turn to Him in my struggles so He can help.
Knowing there are many who battle with desires, addictions, and sins that they are uncomfortable talking about – who consequently feel alone, ashamed, and afraid – I wish I could reach out and place my hand on their shoulder to say, “It’s okay. Struggle is synonymous with being human. There is hope. We can change.”
While sin is not acceptable to God, it is a condition of life we must all overcome. The size of the sin matters less than what we individually do with what we have been given. It is unfair to compare our sins with anyone else’s. As long as our conditions are not identical, and we are not the same, any comparison may be very misleading. It is always best to compare yourself with yourself, and the Savior. He can show us what we can do through faith. We will show ourselves where we have been so that we can learn from our own experience.
I want others who are struggling to not feel alone. There is hope. You shouldn’t feel shame because you think your challenges are uncommon. They likely are not. You should feel shame when you choose to do something wrong. When stimulating images affect you, you shouldn’t feel guilty for the natural desires you have. Remember, the desires are a gift from God. You should feel guilty if you give up your agency for pleasure. Being tempted is not wrong. Giving in to temptation, or choosing to put yourself in a place where you are more likely to give in to temptation, is sin.
I believe our struggles become easier with a little help. It helps to know we all have needs, and we all struggle to learn from them. We are not so alone. It helps to know that we don’t have to feel guilt for having desires, as long as we work to control them. It’s beautiful to know that God will provide us with help as often as we are willing to turn to Him. The difficulty may not go away, but He will help. If we exercise faith, He will prove that we are not alone. He wants to be invited at our important crossroads and struggles.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
Over the last few years, it has been my privilege to be at important crossroads for a lot of people. I have interviewed candidates who are excited to serve a full-time mission for our church. I have met with a large number of young couples who are planning to get married. Some of those marriages I have performed. I have also done a fair share of marriage counseling to help couples who have been together for a long time. Many of these moments have been beautiful.
In a large number of my interviews, I have become aware how similar my childhood experience was to other men and women. They, at a young age, were exposed to explicit images that have had a powerful affect on them. Quite often they were exposed repeatedly. Frequently, this repetition was accompanied with some form of abuse or some other violation of personal comfort. It is not uncommon for a single act taught to a child to be repeated again in their own life. It is heartbreaking to discover this kind of pain at a crossroads-moment that should be beautiful, especially if this discovery creates a speed bump or an obstacle that delays an anticipated goal such as marriage.
Considering what I know now, I feel lucky to have escaped more painful incidents at a young age – very lucky. My encounters with explicit images did not result in a habit-forming addiction to pornography, but I wasn’t immune. It is still a temptation. My early experiences awakened feelings that are both powerful and personal. Desires were aroused that made it difficult to control my thoughts and actions. Though I repented of my sins and feel forgiven, I still feel a degree of shame for my actions.
Had my exposure to images and desire been more frequent, I don’t know that I would have escaped the more malignant sins that are becoming increasingly common. I believe I would be caught in much greater torment like so many friends I know who have been affected their whole lives. Though my personal circumstances were less disastrous, I tasted enough of desire and shame to relate to someone who is struggling. I know the power of an addiction. I also understand the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and it is beautiful. It is real.
Jesus Christ is the only perfect being to live in mortality on this earth. Not only was He born into the same conditions that we all experience, He took upon Himself our sins and transgressions. He felt the weight of our sins as He paid the price of our shame and guilt. “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows…. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities … and with his stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:4-5)
Before I “esteem him naught,” thinking that He can’t help me, or any of us, out of a difficult mistake, I have to remind myself that Jesus has already taken upon Himself our sins. The ransom has already been paid. The work has been done, at least the part that would otherwise seem impossible. What is left is an opportunity to have faith in Him, believing that He is mighty to save. He is waiting for me to trust Him and turn to Him in my struggles so He can help.
Knowing there are many who battle with desires, addictions, and sins that they are uncomfortable talking about – who consequently feel alone, ashamed, and afraid – I wish I could reach out and place my hand on their shoulder to say, “It’s okay. Struggle is synonymous with being human. There is hope. We can change.”
While sin is not acceptable to God, it is a condition of life we must all overcome. The size of the sin matters less than what we individually do with what we have been given. It is unfair to compare our sins with anyone else’s. As long as our conditions are not identical, and we are not the same, any comparison may be very misleading. It is always best to compare yourself with yourself, and the Savior. He can show us what we can do through faith. We will show ourselves where we have been so that we can learn from our own experience.
I want others who are struggling to not feel alone. There is hope. You shouldn’t feel shame because you think your challenges are uncommon. They likely are not. You should feel shame when you choose to do something wrong. When stimulating images affect you, you shouldn’t feel guilty for the natural desires you have. Remember, the desires are a gift from God. You should feel guilty if you give up your agency for pleasure. Being tempted is not wrong. Giving in to temptation, or choosing to put yourself in a place where you are more likely to give in to temptation, is sin.
I believe our struggles become easier with a little help. It helps to know we all have needs, and we all struggle to learn from them. We are not so alone. It helps to know that we don’t have to feel guilt for having desires, as long as we work to control them. It’s beautiful to know that God will provide us with help as often as we are willing to turn to Him. The difficulty may not go away, but He will help. If we exercise faith, He will prove that we are not alone. He wants to be invited at our important crossroads and struggles.
What I Believe…
http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/
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