What Are You Feeling?

This morning one of my favorite songs replayed in the background of my mind as I woke up and I was intrigued by a single line from the lyrics. The song written by Jack Murphy & Frank Wildhorn is called “Little Things,” and it got me thinking about sincerity. “It’s the honest way you ask how I’m feeling,” is a line in the song that suggests that some questions may be less ingenuous. It also suggests that our intent can be audible and recognizable in the way we say something. It’s not just what we say, but what we mean when we say it.

Despite my efforts to be considerate this morning, my “getting ready” routine disturbed my wife’s sleep and I woke her up. Before I kissed her goodbye I asked how she was feeling. I like to think that my concern for her was sincere. I hoped that she felt what I was feeling, which is a deep, deep love for her. Had I been less sincere, I could have asked the question with little intent to do anything. Since perfection is a quality I haven’t managed to wrangle yet, I hope the times I do so are at least few and far between.

I can think of a couple occasions this past week where I asked this same question of two other friends. The circumstances were quite different, but my sincerity was no less than when I spoke to my wife. I care deeply. My question of regard was offered with the hope that it would be received like it was in the song. More than a gesture of courtesy, it was offered as an act of friendship with real intent.

In most conversations that I have, the question, “How are you feeling?” seems to be more common than, “What are you feeling?” I wonder, culturally, if this is because feelings tend to be a little more private. The first question is a simple closed-ended question that is great for small talk. It can easily be answered with a reply of, “good,” or, “not so well,” end of story. The second question, however, may be a little more difficult.

Asking someone, “What are you feeling?” would imply that the person being asked is actually feeling something at the moment. The question would also presume that he or she would know exactly what they were feeling, which is often hard to do. Words seem to make more sense than emotions when we try to describe them, don’t you think? Perhaps the difficult part of this question is the position it puts the person in who is being asked. For instance, if someone asked you that question – a question which happens to be more open-ended – you are forced to make a decision. Do I want to share what I am feeling, or should I say, “it it’s none of your business?” Suddenly the person being asked is put on the spot to make a judgment call of what is too personal and what is not. When feelings and emotions are hard enough to decipher inside your head, having to account for it on the outside can be even more troubling. Agreed? Then, let’s take a closer look at the first question.

Most of the time when I ask, “How are you feeling?” my intent is to know, “Are you well,” or “Are you feeling better?” The question seems most appropriate when the outward appearance is less than obvious, or when the person I am talking to is obviously not feeling as well as he or she could. There are outward indicators that things could be better, if only by a little. Even in these instances, my concern for a friend is generally about their physical feelings, or their emotional feelings. I think, in all reality, there should be a greater concern for spiritual feelings.

Here’s another potentially awkward moment. What if the question, “How are you feeling?” was not intended to be lightly conversational. Another for-instance, what if the person doing the asking meant, “How is your ability to feel?” “Are you capable of feeling spiritual things?” “Do you know how to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost when they come?” “Do you… .” Anyway, you get the idea. Suddenly small talk turns in to an interrogation, and the second question by comparison doesn’t look so bad. Talk about awkward. Is it too late to switch questions? If someone asks, “What are you feeling,” I can at least answer, “I’m not sure,” and be completely honest.

The reality of the matter is that most people who believe in inspiration from the Holy Ghost are often unclear about what the inspiration means. Yes, I receive inspiration through my thoughts and feelings, but I don’t always know for sure if it is inspiration or not. I’m not always certain about the meaning or if I am reading my own biases into it. Sometimes it is as though I feel something that might actually mean something, but I’m not sure. Now I’ve gone from feeling awkward to frustrated. What is worse is when I have to make a decision that feels time-sensitive, meaning, I don’t have time to sit and wait around for a sign from heaven. That’s probably a good thing because those signs seldom come.

Choosing to ask myself these same questions in the privacy of my own mind may not be the most comfortable pastime, but it is better than experiencing feelings of doubt when I am in the middle of a crisis and I am in need of heavenly help. I would rather answer questions when I have a comfortable amount of time to do so. Then I can feel better about how I am feeling and what I am feeling. I believe that each of us experience moments of clarity and moments of ambiguity. Separating what we know from what we don’t know can provide a good start.

Moments of clarity for me include those times when I either feel the presence or absence of the Holy Spirit strongly, and I know why. While I am not perfect, there are times that I feel the witness of the Holy Ghost that I am at least worthy, that my efforts to do what God wants have been accepted. I haven’t arrived yet, but I am moving in the right direction. I feel at peace as I feel the presence and influence of the Comforter. That is a wonderful feeling to experience on occasion.

There are other times when I know I feel the spirit, but I don’t feel the peaceful confirmation that I am doing the right thing. Instead I am being reprimanded or chastised. I don’t have to commit a serious sin, I just have to do something that is wrong and the Holy Ghost will warn me of the error I have just made. His influence may not leave, but I have the warning that it will if I don’t correct my mistake and turn my heart to God. Very often, this subtle feeling is no more than a hunch. It’s as though the good feeling I had is diminished but with the option to have it back should I make the right choice. If I am not sincere, and do not have real intent, it will be very apparent to God how I am feeling about His promptings. If I persist in thinking that my way is better and I don’t give heed to the prompting, I start to diminish in my ability to feel spiritual things. This either leads to a moment of ambiguity or the last moment of clarity.

This last moment of clarity I have experienced comes when I have deliberately made the wrong choice. I knew it and I did what I wanted anyway. In those moments, I have felt the influence of the spirit leave and I am left alone because I was prideful or rebellious. In those moments, I knew it, and it was clear. Those are very uncomfortable moments, but they are still a gift when they help me to change.

Separating what you know from what you don’t know before you get to a crisis, not only helps organize your understanding, it can also provide some patterns that may help sort out the times that are less clear. The similarities between these moments of clarity and ambiguity may give enough reason to have a little more faith when we don’t know for sure.

I believe a very common moment of ambiguity is when a person receives inspiration and doesn’t realize it. If the gift of the Holy Ghost is intended to be a constant influence and companion, I do not doubt that someone who is living a Christ-like life is constantly benefiting from inspiration. Just because I don’t recognize it doesn’t mean that I am not receiving it. I would like to be better at recognizing those subtle promptings for what they are so I can include my gratitude for them in my prayers of thanks. I find the more I look the more I find. Watching helps, but I am often uncertain.

Another moment of ambiguity is very similar, when I think I have received some sort of inspiration but I am not positive what the feeling means. I have a hunch that I am supposed to do something, but I am not exactly sure what, and I’m not exactly sure why. It is just a simple hunch accompanied by somewhat familiar feeling.

The moment of ambiguity that I am most familiar with is when I am seeking inspiration and I don’t feel like I am getting what I need. I hope for guidance and all I feel is uncertainty. In those moments, it is as though I am surrounded by a fog. I wrestle in prayer and I don’t feel like I get any closer to an answer. I am left to my own strength for a time, wondering if my fog is a consequence of my own behavior. I think this is the most difficult ambiguity because it is the one where I feel the most alone – I feel as though I am going through a trial by myself. To some degree this is true.

In this last case, it helps to remember that God has promised not to leave those who are faithful. Rather, He has promised to prepare the way before us, to support us in our trials, and bear us up in our afflictions. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean that He is not doing it. This requires a greater demonstration of faith on our part. I believe it is in this moment of ambiguity where we experience the greatest potential for personal growth. This is where many of my personal tests can be found. Anticipating this will help prepare our minds and our hearts to be tested.

When I feel that the influence of the Holy Spirit has left me alone, the first thing I do is a safety check. It’s like putting on your seat belt as soon as you get into a car. It becomes a habit. If I feel the absence of that peaceful comforting feeling, the first thing I do is ask myself, “Have I done something that would cause the spirit to withdraw?” Remember, to keep the spirit with us always requires a willingness to remember the teachings of Jesus and to follow Him. We don’t have to be perfect, we just have to be willing and worthy. This says more about where our hearts are pointed than where they are at. If I don’t feel that I have been deliberately rebellious, I move to the next step in my safety check.

At times when I feel alone because I do not feel the spirit close to me, the next condition I check is to see if I feel discouraged. There is a big difference between feeling down and discouraged and feeling guilty because we know we have done something wrong. If I have done something wrong, the spirit will usually help me to see the problem. Occasionally I will feel down and discouraged, not because the Lord feels I have done something wrong, but because I haven’t achieved the expectations I have set for myself. It is not uncommon to be harder on yourself than others would. We simply can’t do everything all at once, and it isn’t required. King Benjamin taught, “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.” (Mosiah 4:27)

I have learned that the Holy Ghost is consistent. When I feel the spirit, I always feel uplifted and edified. Even when I have done something wrong, and I am chastened by the Holy Spirit, His influence will guide me to see a way out. He always directs me upward. The Lord told Joseph Smith, “And now, verily, verily, I say unto thee, put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good—yea, to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously; and this is my Spirit. Verily, verily, I say unto you, I will impart unto you of my Spirit, which shall enlighten your mind, which shall fill your soul with joy; And then shall ye know, or by this shall you know, all things whatsoever you desire of me, which are pertaining unto things of righteousness, in faith believing in me that you shall receive.” (Doctrine & Covenants 11:12-14)

If I have passed the rebellious check, and I am not feeling guilty because I have been chastened by the spirit, I proceed to the next safety check: How is my faith? It is my experience that the spirit will leave if we have done something to offend God, or if we have ignored his subtle promptings. There may be times that we don’t feel the spirit as strongly because our desires, appetites, and passions are screaming louder and we give deference to them. But if I am trying to do what is right, and I still don’t feel the spirit, I find that my ambiguity is about to get clearer. The key comes down to a couple of simple keys that were illustrated in the song I woke up to. It’s in the honest way I ask myself how I am feeling. Am I being sincere when I say that I am trying to do what is right? Do I have real intent to follow God? Is there anything I have overlooked that is blocking my faith? When I am truly honest with God, He is more open with me.

Most of the time when I feel ambiguous about where I stand with God, or I wonder why I haven’t felt his Holy Spirit as well as at other times, it is because I am in the middle of a test, and I am about to finish. It is often at the moment when I feel I can’t go any longer or any further that a change begins to happen. It is in the moment when I am willing to submit my will to God and do whatever He wants that my tests usually resolve and I gain understanding. Moroni taught, “for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” (Ether 12:6)

Moroni also taught, “I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” (Moroni 10:4-5)

Our intent is very recognizable to God in the way we offer our prayers. It’s not just what we say, but what we mean when we say it. He knows what we need before we even ask. He also knows what will help us the most. Even when we feel we have learned what we need to in a trial, God knows best. He has prepared lessons that are specifically tailored to save His children. Just because we don’t understand doesn’t mean we should doubt. As we put our faith in Him, he will not fail us, but will stay with us until we make it home.

So what is it I am feeling? That is really up to me to determine for myself. However the pattern that God has given us is that the Holy Spirit will guide us when we are faithful. If we are consistent in following Him, He will provide moments of clarity amidst the moments of ambiguity. It may not be enough to know for a certainty all the things we want to know, but it will be enough to help us to have faith in Him. Once we do that, and once we learn how to recognize the influence of His Holy Spirit when it is present, then we can feel much better about any trial we are asked to pass through.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Trials Felt

How appears the apparition, that seemingly passes by,
To others who look and cannot see the reasons why I cry?
Its verity feels like bedrock, a forever burden borne,
With weight’s encumbrance given to bear alone and lorn.

In the middle of my own, I see another’s fear,
But not the force that’s hidden, causing him to veer.
I watch as burden buries heart, not knowing how long he’ll wait,
Or just how much the toll exacts to pass through sorrow’s gate.

Often worse are trials which, for others, go unseen,
For few will pause to help and answer what they mean.
I wish to see differently when the trial is not my own.
Perhaps I, too, can share his burden so he is not alone.

If I look past apparent, and the apparition that is bleak,
I hope to find more knowledge and gain the peace I seek.
Whether trial by fire or endless dark, it’s time I wait upon,
To learn the lessons that I need, and then my trials are gone.

Trials give us focus, when there’s nothing else to see,
Until we look right through them to what we’re meant to be.

A Sound Marriage (or, More Thoughts on Differences)

I can’t think of “making beautiful music together” without remembering Looney Tunes’ Pepe Le Pew from Saturday morning cartoon fame. Growing up, I watched this ill-fated skunk continually look for a willing recipient of his devotion and passion. Quite often it was a black cat with a white stripe painted down her back by some unfortunate mistake, causing Pepe to think that she was his perfect match. Sadly, his reek was a difficult difference to get over. Regardless of how good his intentions were, he seldom had any success in his relationships of devotion.

Many couples face the same challenge as Pepe, especially after they have been married for some time. In most marriages, the challenges are not one sided. Each partner may have a difference that the other has to manage. At the risk of being cliché, I hope to share some additional thoughts about marriage, differences, and music. The notion of making music together in a marriage has merit, especially when we consider the theory behind both music and marriage.

Some things sound good, and some things are sound. While similar words are used to describe a particular quality, they may not describe the same relationship. Occasionally I will hear of a marriage that sounds like it may not last. In a few instances the opposite is true – the relationship sounds too good to be true. What truly makes a difference is not what I hear, but how sound the relationship really is.

Even if you don’t consider yourself a musician, you may be more of a musician than you think if you have learned how to manage differences in your relationship. If the opposite is the case, here is some theory that might help.

Unison
Singing in unison is one of the most common expressions of music. Not everyone plays a musical instrument, but I personally don’t know anyone who can’t sing a round of “Happy Birthday” on occasion. Most people know the melody and will join in the celebration of a friend or family member without much coercion. Culturally, it’s just what we do. It’s expected. Singing the same notes as someone else is the easiest way to express music together.

In marriage, being on the same page, or in agreement, is also what we expect culturally. It is beautiful when two people make a decision to follow a certain path and stay together in a long-term commitment. They find a way to sing the same notes by spending time and sharing things in common with each other. Not only do they live together and love together, they make a commitment to work out their differences, for better or worse. The happiest and healthiest marriages I have seen are usually a result of two people who are willing to put self as a second priority to their marriage. There is a great deal of unison in their lives.

Harmony
Having sung in numerous choirs throughout my life, I love harmony. I love the fact that multiple individuals can sing different parts to contribute to an overall effect. As varying musical notes are arranged to compliment each other, they create chords that blend and sound good. The result is harmonious and pleasing. Combined, the various notes are able to create a richer and fuller effect than can be achieved by singing in unison alone. Some harmonies are tight, and others are loose. Different methods are employed by composers to achieve different effects.

Harmony in marriage is easiest to achieve when a couple blends their efforts for a common purpose. Recognizing that we can have unity without requiring each other to sing in unison can provide richer experiences. In this instance, differences of taste, interest, and opinion, can provide more opportunity to experience all the good that life has to offer. Each person can then share the parts their spouse may be most interested in. They key is to make sure that there is a consistent melody to blend with. Common goals, balanced effort, and the opportunity to share and exchange are critical to making a marriage work.

As other parts are added to the marriage duet – and this may be the inclusion of children, other family members, or even close friends – the key to maintaining a harmonious marriage relationship is to stick with your melody. A melody in this case may simply be the decision to get married and be faithful. If another part of your life becomes so dominant that the melody is no longer recognizable, the ability to sing in harmony is left up to chance. That is a precarious place for a marriage to be, and it could jeopardize the relationship. On the other hand, what an incredible experience it is when multiple parts are combined to emphasize the beautiful melody of a sound marriage. As these parts compliment the musical theme, they can further enhance a marriage that might be strong on its own.

Symphony
In the case of a symphonic orchestra, an elaborate composition of three or more movements is performed by a large number of string, wind, and percussion instruments. Each group of instruments will typically have a different role to play in the composition. The violins will play different notes than the cellos or basses. Their rhythm may also be different. Flutes, trumpets, and clarinets offer a different feel and mood than the stringed instruments. The addition of a piano, drums, and cymbals can add energy and emphasis to a strong musical theme. Alone, they would not accomplish the same result, but together they portray a story with broader range and depth.

Outside relationships can also have a profound effect on the success of a marriage. While these also add depth and energy, a symphony requires a conductor to lead, pace, and keep a good balance. In this instance, a musical theme is more important than a single melody. Life becomes more and more complicated as I introduce other parts and instruments to my life. In order to keep proper balance, I rely heavily upon my conductor to lead me. God is our conductor. He is always willing to direct us if we will watch and follow.

Dissonance vs. Cacophony
Some of my favorite music has parts that aren’t very harmonious. The music has character, depth, and feeling, but it doesn’t always make me happy. Sometimes the music doesn’t seem either comforting or pleasing. Instead it is dissonant. Chords seem incongruous; they lack agreement or consistency, or they are harsh and unsettling. In a musical composition, this is often used to create certain moods, or a deliberate tension that builds just before resolution. The dissonance can last for a few notes, or for an entire movement. The use of major and minor keys can influence the way we feel about a musical theme, as well as aid in telling a story. Without some sort of resolution to compare the dissonance with, it may be mistaken for cacophony.

I don’t know that I would recommend looking for dissonance in a marriage relationship on purpose. Differences seem plentiful enough without having to look for more. At the same time, I don’t know that I would fear the music, just because a few measures are incongruous or unsettling. Dissonance in marriage doesn’t mean that the marriage is bad or failing. It simply means the relationship is in some need of resolution. My resolution has more to do with me being resolute in sticking to my melody or musical theme than it does with having a perfect marriage. Yes, dissonance may have an associated mood that is hard to overcome, that is unless there is a conscious effort to resolve differences.

As a couple works through their issues of dissonance, something is needed to bring them back together again. Singing in unison is one way to do this. The results are easier to predict when a couple is doing the same things together. This may be especially helpful when partners want to fix their problems, but smaller efforts haven’t seemed to work. In many cases, however, unison may not be required. Mere acknowledgement of the melody or musical theme may be enough to get the couple back in harmony. A decision of what key to perform in will help. If one partner is playing a major key, and having a very positive experience, while the other is playing a minor key and is not receiving the same benefit, dissonance will turn to distance until the matter is resolved. Failure to be resolute in keeping covenants or commitments of loyalty will leave the couple in a state of cacophony.

Fidelity
Some musical performances are worth repeating again and again. Back by popular demand, a musician may repeat a show, or the performance may be recorded so that it can be enjoyed as often as a listener wants to play it. Fidelity in this sense refers to the quality of the recording, or the degree of accuracy to which the recording reflects the original performance. If the sound quality is diminished, there is less fidelity in the recording. If the best instruments and tools are used to record the performance, the music can achieve high fidelity. Hi-fi performances are much more valuable than music that diminishes over time.

A married couple looking for ways to create a hi-fi marriage would do well to employ the best instrument possible, namely the heart – the truer the heart, the greater fidelity in marriage. Strict observance of covenants, not just in actions, but also in intent, will help a couple to remain faithful to their original commitments of marriage. It will help them stay true to the feelings and emotions that brought them together in the first place.

Prior to the advent of the digital age, analog recordings could be damaged and altered if a record was scratched or a cassette tape was stretched. The music was no better than the means to record it. Similarly, marriage is no better than our methods to protect it and maintain its definition. Remaining loyal to our initial commitment and investment of marriage is a choice. If we maintain our choice each day, keeping it free from scratches or distortion, it will not only retain its value, it will increase in value because that kind of fidelity is less and less common in society.

Fidelity in this case does not only refer to sexual purity, but purity of thought, and intent. If covenants are made to honor, support, and love a marriage partner with a fullness of heart, anything that diminishes that level of commitment also diminishes the fidelity of that marriage. Alternates and substitutes can begin to eclipse the marriage relationship which result in distortion and failed fidelity, even when no serious transgressions are evident.

In some cases, the original commitment of marriage may seem damaged beyond repair. A weakened relationship may require re-mastering to get back to the original quality. There are ways to fix these types of challenges, but it requires the efforts of both marriage partners to accomplish. Usually it also requires a deep faith in God, and a willingness to include Him in maintaining the relationship as well. With God, nothing shall be impossible.

The pursuit of high fidelity requires an honest look at the influences we allow into our lives. Simply put, differences, interests, or outside influences that detract from or weaken a marriage relationship keep that most important relationship from being what it could be. While it may not be wrong, it prevents the married couple from having high fidelity and limits the potential of the relationship. In contrast, outside influences that improve a marriage relationship could also be deemed to improve fidelity. A couple seeking a celestial marriage with eternal increase should not settle for an acceptable relationship. Their goal should be higher, always looking for ways to improve their fidelity at greater and greater levels.

I believe it is important to maintain a constant evaluation of your marriage. Some relationships only sound good, and some relationships are sound. Part of being sound is being true – true to each other and true to your covenants. A sound marriage is one where both partners work through differences in marriage by finding ways to return to each other. It’s all about sticking to your melody and maintaining high fidelity. Finding ways to stay true to the theme you started with makes the best music.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

What's the Difference?

Marriage was the main topic du jour recently as I sat in a small park with a friend. We had found a comfortable place to discuss an aspect that is sometimes a little uncomfortable. He described the memories he was happiest with in his marriage, as well as parts that were troubling. Most of these were needs-based. Sounds like most marriages, right? Occasionally the sweet is mixed with a little bitter? As he talked about his interests, and how he and his wife differed on several points, I recognized some familiar themes.

This conversation caused me to reflect on an old TV commercial from my childhood. A well known soft drink company advertised a simple taste test to help sell their product. The comparison of two different drinks required a taster to determine which drink was preferred based on taste alone. Though one drink may have tasted better than the other, I think the commercial was a bit biased as it highlighted the results favoring the soft drink paying for the commercial. Though expected, the bias is not very helpful if you are trying to improve a marriage. It’s really helpful to have both perspectives.

While I feel I have a great marriage, Liz and I also have some differences that are pretty common in most marital relationships. When taste testing our personal differences, I find that some of our differences taste good and some don’t. Many of our differences are so small it’s hard to tell the difference at all. We simply have the same taste, or you might say we just have a lot in common. Most of the time, this works to our advantage.

In a few cases, our personality traits are so varied that the differences are stark. If we are not careful, these differences can result in a contest to see which trait tastes better, or which one will come out as a dominant factor in making decisions for the two of us. I like to think that we take turns winning, or conceding, but you’ll have to confirm that with Liz. So I ask myself, if some differences are good and some are not, what’s the difference? I think the answer is worth digging a little deeper for. There is a difference between our differences and the way we perceive them.

As I look at my relationship with my wife, I find that our strengths are quite often weaknesses, too. In reality, they are just traits that define who we are, each one with its own set of pros and cons. For example, Liz and I are both quite methodical and organized, which makes us very compatible as we solve problems together. Yet when we look at the detail of how we approach a problem, our differences become more apparent. Liz tends to be more logical and rational. I tend to be more intuitive. I’ve noticed that these personality traits also affect how we react to circumstances when our needs aren’t met. We each get grumpy, jealous, and dissatisfied for different reasons. Quite often, Liz’s reasons are more logical and mine are more emotional. How’s that for a stereotypical gender switch? If we are not careful, it is easy to miss each other’s needs because they are different than our own.

No matter how similar we are, or how similar our needs are, we are still different people with different experiences. Our roles, activities, and choices shape who we are as well as our needs. In addition to eating and sleeping, we each have interests that fuel us and give us energy. Finding room in our lives for some of these things is in keeping with the Thirteenth Article of Faith. “If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.” (The Articles of Faith 1:13) I believe there is a lot of latitude here for personal interests.

While Liz and I spend time together, more regularly in the early morning and in the evening, our focus during the daytime is often quite different. Liz has a degree in Elementary Ed and spends more time volunteering in our children’s school classes. She takes a greater role in their education and extra curricular activities than I do. My background, on the other hand, is in art and design and I spend most of my time during the day developing architectural designs for various buildings.

As might be expected, many of our personal interests are related to the things we do most during the daytime. Liz enjoys sewing and is an excellent seamstress. She also loves scrapbooking. In my spare time, I find other creative outlets such as fine art and music. I also love running. While there are similarities to our favorite pastimes, and we are both project-oriented individuals, our projects and interests are often very different. As we gain more and more experience in our interests over time, it would seem that our interests could take us further and further apart. Yikes!

These simple differences can seem much greater when a couple fails to understand each other’s needs, especially those deeper than pastimes. I recently spoke with a couple who was having some challenges in their marriage. One was looking for more of an intellectual and emotional connection. The other was craving more expression of love through touch and affection. The couple had a difficult time relating to each other and their differences were growing. Sadly, neither of the two understood the other’s needs well enough to help. They were only getting one perspective on the taste test.

I find it interesting that the adage, “opposites attract,” is often true, but not always. There are enough instances to prove otherwise. Some opposites such as gender are very attractive. We each have talents and experience that compliment each other, which in turn enriches a relationship. On the other hand, differences such as work ethic, spending habits, and favorite pastimes may detract from and even divide a relationship, especially if they are not managed.

Whether you have a fairly strong marriage or one that is feeling pretty rocky, taking a closer look at differences in marriage can make all the difference in how you perceive your relationship. Expecting a mixture of similarities and differences is not only healthy, it’s realistic. It’s important to note that some differences are attractive and some are divisive. Some are complimentary and some are competing. But it’s not the difference alone that makes the difference. There is something about similarities and differences that make them positive or negative.

Beyond similarities and differences lies a deeper issue, namely, attraction. If we are attracted to a similarity or difference, we move closer to it. As this happens we are more likely to adopt and become like the trait that attracts us. What makes some traits attractive and others not? What type of incentives does it take to make a stronger relationship? An obvious conclusion is a clear benefit.

Quite often we see differences as good when there is a potential for some gain or opportunity. I can’t say I know anyone who develops a friendship so they can experience loss, or gets married so they can be miserable. Most relationships are based on some mutual benefit. In a marriage I believe the benefit needs to go both ways. The benefit may not need to be the same, but it should be mutual and proportionate.

Similarities are attractive for obvious reasons. Finding someone who thinks like you, acts like you, and feels like you is very validating. It feels good to know that someone else can relate. I don’t feel lonely or isolated when someone else thinks like I do. It adds strength to my resolve and passion to my interests. In this case, the greater the similarities, the greater the attraction.

Differences can be attractive for similar reasons. Finding someone who thinks like you, but knows more than you, can be uplifting and encouraging. Sharing with someone who thinks like you, but has found a different way to express it, can be inspiring. I am grateful for friends who can do more than I can when they are willing to teach me a new skill. I am enthused by others who can do something I can’t when I can also see the opportunity for personal growth.

When I am fearful of differences, it is usually for selfish reasons, or because I am feeling a need to be protective. Finding someone who thinks like I do, and who has the potential to take something I have worked hard for, can be terrifying. Sharing my opportunities with someone who may use them against me is threatening. I am leery of differences that could result in undesirable change or loss.

I also believe there are times we should be fearful of differences in marriage. These instances have everything to do with the heart and intent. Differences of themselves are nothing. It is only what we make of the differences or what we do with them that makes them good or bad. If a difference in interest, opinion, or want gains enough importance that my marriage relationship begins to decrease in priority then I am on dangerous ground. Such differences create unnecessary distance between a married couple. As that distance increases it becomes harder and harder to repair; thus the council from the Lord to love and cleave unto your spouse and none else. (Doctrine & Covenants 42:22)

The safest way I have determined to evaluate differences in marriage is to ask a few simple questions. Will this difference make me a better person? Am I being selfish, or is this something that will help me to accomplish more good? Will this difference strengthen my marriage or weaken it? Does my spouse agree with me?

Earlier I suggested that there is a difference between our differences and the way we perceive them. Understanding this can help us to manage all of our differences in marriage. As I have looked closer, here is what I have found:

• We each decide whether differences will be attractive or divisive. It is a personal choice. No one decides that for us.
• Differences can be managed with mutual understanding and cooperation. Both spouses can shape whether or not their differences will be divisive by having a common focus. Making sure that each other remains the primary focus in the relationship, and not their differences, will help increase their unity.
• Taste is a personal preference, and our taste can change. Some differences can be an acquired taste. Trying to understand our spouse’s perspective gives us a taste of who they really are. We don’t have to swallow everything, but a taste of something else that is good might open our hearts as well as our minds, especially when it comes to understanding each other’s needs.
• Differences are less dangerous when we are less selfish. The more I can move the focus from me to we, and still have my basic needs met, the more I become like the Savior.
• Overcoming our differences can be different than overcoming weaknesses. We may not need to get rid of our differences to overcome them. When we struggle to work through our differences, and we feel that we are making no progress, Father in Heaven is always willing to help if we turn to Him in prayer. This works best when we first turn our hearts.

There is one crowning principle pertaining to differences that will help us become more like the Savior. We are all members in the body of Christ. We have differences that make us stronger. The key is to make sure that our covenant relationships stay intact and preeminent.

The apostle Paul taught, “For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. … For the body is not one member, but many. … And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? … But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. And if they were all one member, where were the body? But now are they many members, yet but one body. … God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.” (1 Corinthians 12:12-27) Paul then talks about gifts of the spirit, and of charity.

The Lord also revealed, concerning His gifts, "that ye may not be deceived seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given; For verily I say unto you, they are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandments, and him that seeketh so to do; that all may be benefited that seek or that ask of me, that ask and not for a sign that they may consume it upon their lusts. And again, verily I say unto you, I would that ye should always remember, and always retain in your minds what those gifts are, that are given unto the church. For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby. ... He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh. And again, I say unto you, all things must be done in the name of Christ, whatsoever you do in the Spirit; And ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with." (Doctrine & Covenants 46:8-12, 30-32)

Jesus is our head. As we take direction from Him, He will lead us back to the Father. If we are honest in our efforts to do so, the Holy Ghost will teach us how. The Holy Ghost will also sanctify our hearts and remove the impurities that make us selfish if we will yield to His enticings. As we choose to honor our covenants, and honor our spouses whom we have made those covenants with, then we will learn how to make our differences become attractive. We will find that we have more in common then than we did before.

Understanding these principles is a lot different than understanding our differences in marriage. For those seeking a celestial marriage, we should expect to be tested in all things, even in matters of taste. There is a difference between being one and being the same. I’m much happier when I understand the difference.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Sticks, Balloons, and Hang Man

This morning I compared two different messages presented in sacrament meeting as I sat in church with my family. The first came from the pulpit. A member of the high council had been asked to address the topic of “What would Jesus do?” The second message was being delivered simultaneously by my oldest son and oldest daughter who were sitting just to my right. Together they were irritating each other by drawing stick figures on the back of the folded meeting program. Oddly, the graphic representation looked nothing like the message from the pulpit. Yeah, big surprise, I know. Welcome to parenting.

I’m not exactly sure of the sequence of events that escalated the family feud on a pew, but from what I am able to reconstruct, it happened like this. My daughter asked my wife for a pen so she could keep herself entertained after the sacrament had been passed. Having received said pen, or weapon as it were, she began to draw. Seeing that my daughter was having a good time, my son thought he would contribute some of his own creativity to her illustration of what I thought was an interesting and well delivered message from the assigned speaker. I suspect that my son may have briefly commandeered both the paper and the pen to make his move.

I observed as one stick figure was added to the other and the two figures began to have a conversation. Remarks were ballooned adjacent to their heads like you would see in a comic strip. A nice volley developed as balloons began to fill the page and I could tell there was a little heat coming from the paper. Well, he said this and she said that, and before you know it, someone had a weapon. I don’t know if the potato gun came first or if it followed another weapon of choice, but shortly after the exchange went from words to weapons, there were a large number of other stick figures who appeared on the scene. The new mob, which appeared to have been drawn by my son, led to cartoonish cannons and shoulder mounted fire arms that resembled bazookas. A few more remarks were ballooned on the page, and then some of the remarks escaped the drawing and came from the author’s mouths. Those balloons weren’t so visible, but their emotions were. “Hmmm,” I thought. This is interesting.

I don’t know that either of my children was necessarily guilty or innocent. They just were. They were my children and they did what siblings do best – they annoyed each other relentlessly. “Nice,” I thought. Here I am being inspired and the two of you are blowing each other up.

The little feud drew to a close as my daughter, bound and determined not to be outsmarted by her older brother, was fired upon by her father. She had just drawn an even larger cannon with two more stick figures. The figure at whom the cannon was pointed at was labeled as my son. The figure adjacent to the lit fuse was labeled so that I knew it was her. I could tell that the look on her face was not deliberately maniacal, but it was the look of, “Now I’ve got you! Take that!!” That’s when I asked if I could see the folded paper and I added a third label. I simply wrote, “Jesus,” off to the side and handed it back to her.

My daughter’s expression of accomplishment deflated like a balloon without any remarks left to hold the air in. She’s pretty bright and she got the message without me having to add another balloon. She sagged a little and then started to repair things. Before the cannon had a chance to fire at said brother and recipient of focused animosity, she intervened and protected his stick figure by building a wall in front of him. She then cut the fuse to the cannon with a pair of newly drawn scissors. In a manner of speaking, she saved the day. Having three people in the picture made all the difference, at least for her.

I don’t know that either she or her brother had listened to much of the talk, but she and the speaker came to the same conclusion – when we keep Jesus in our lives it affects all of our decisions and leads us to greater happiness. If we let Him, He will show us to a better way. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6)

This little exchange led me to think of another lonely, solitary stick figure of a man. I am thinking specifically of a simple game of hang man. Perhaps I assume too much if I believe that most people reading this post have played this game at some point, likely when a beloved Primary teacher or Sunday School teacher was absent and another poor, unsuspecting soul was asked to substitute at the last minute. How many times have you been in such a position and had to punt for a lesson, hmmm? Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. All the same, the poor little guy who is the object of the game did nothing more than you by showing up to class, and yet he becomes a victim of a unique type of abuse, namely a lack of communication.

In case you haven’t ever had to punt for a lesson, and you have not yet felt the magic of relating to this nostalgic example, let me briefly sum up the rules of the game. One person has something on their mind. In an attempt to be obvious, they give a clue that “something is up” by drawing a hangman’s noose and by drawing a line. In reality, they draw several lines that represent the letters of a word that they are thinking. That is the signal that they game has begun. Then it is the job for the other person, or persons, to guess what is on the mind of the person who provided the noose. Correct guesses allow appropriate letters to be filled in above the lines, saving our little bystander for another round. Incorrect guesses send our little friend in a sticky situation to the gallows where he his hung because someone couldn’t guess what someone else was thinking. Great game don’t you think?

How often do we draw a line on the ground, taking a position of defense, and then expect the person we are having a disagreement with to discern what we are thinking without any additional information. “Someone is going to hang for this, and it’s not going to be me,” is something that goes unsaid but seems to be implied when we play this game. It is also often followed by mobs and weapons, even if only on the stage in our minds.

A close friend of mine said she prefers not to play these kind of games. “No subtexts, please. If there is something you want to tell me, just say it. I don’t want to guess.” Knowing this type of openness was welcome helped me to be even more honest than I was before. I have tried to apply this principle in every aspect of my life, and I am finding it works.

In light of these examples, another set of stick figures comes to mind. They are everywhere. Perhaps you have seen them most recently traveling on the rear of a vehicle with tinted glass. Usually there are two larger stick figures positioned on the rear window that represent a mom and a dad. Then there are a varying number of smaller figures that follow which often represent children. I have also seen a number of dogs join the procession, and one car that had several bicycles that followed. To each, his or her own, I guess. The point that I would like to make is that the stick figures all seem to be happy. No one is firing cannons or bazookas. No one is getting hung. For some reason, everyone on the rear of the vehicle seems to be onboard with the idea that a family is a pretty great place to be. Life is good.

Within my own stick figure experience, I find that I am happiest when I get one thing right. It’s when I put the sticks down and increase the balloons that I am happiest. Open communication always makes things better for me. It isn’t meant to be a game as much as it is a gift. Open-fire with a bazooka does very little to make me feel good, even if it is as harmless as a few remarks on paper. When I choose to hold back information that could help resolve hurt feelings, I am really setting someone else up for a game of hang man (may he rest in peace) and that’s just not fair. However, when I choose to fill my balloons with honesty and a willingness to work things out, that’s when I remember that Jesus is there on the sidelines, not only as a referee, but as my coach. He is always willing to show me a better way if I am willing to let Him.

So why is it that, like this morning, a sermon can be delivered to me directly, and yet I have to learn the hard way by playing cruel games? Not sure. But I’m starting to figure things out, and I like how it feels. I like the feeling of peace and accomplishment when I face my fears and communicate how I am feeling to resolve my concerns. All I need is the right kind of balloons. No weapons are required – no heat, no noose – just enough faith to overcome my differences.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Wanting

Empty.
My soul felt void.
Stripped of water and bread to sustain,
I missed my well and grain –
A source of energy that powers the heart
To action,
To feel and breathe again.

Yearning,
I looked for fuel –
For strength that carries, inspires, and lifts,
So highly valued among my gifts.
I sought reprieve to calm my wants
As time,
I hoped, my thoughts would sift.

Desire points me.
Passions drive me.
My appetites, constant, uphold my need,
Near amounts that closely border greed.
Wondering why I want so much
I pause,
Then let my will concede.

Trying,
I ask in faith,
And not to consume upon my lust,
But to still the raging tempest thrust.
My heart I turn to Him who hears,
…and wait.
His will is always just.

Oh,
How my soul hungers
To learn control and understand
How to receive from the Master’s hand.
I’ll look to Him to fuel my soul,
And then, one day,
Accept the perfect things He’s planned.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Renewable Fuel and Individual Power

Thousands of windmills were spread across the hillside of the Altamont Pass. The impression of enormity was stunning. Each windmill in the wind farm towered over me by several stories. The experience of being next to a single windmill was vastly different than seeing the panorama from my home in Tracy, California. I remember many mornings looking through clouds to see the Altamont range in the west. Most of the time I could not see the windmills that covered those hills. Occasionally, the sky was clear enough to see the full array in the distance. For some reason, I recall more of those moments on Sunday mornings as I was leaving for church. Although not related, that relationship made an interesting association for me.

Contrasting this image with the effects of ever-present coal-burning in the Nineteenth Century suggests not only a different picture, but a different way of life. Poet, Thomas Hardy penned the following in his poem, The Darkling Thrush:

I leant upon a coppice gate
When Frost was spectre-gray
And Winter’s dregs made desolate
The weakening eye of day.
The tangled bine-stems scored the sky
Like strings of broken lyres,
And all mankind that haunted night
Had sought their household fires.

In American cities where coal was available for fuel, skies were often blighted with coal dust and smoke. Snow and clothing on a clothesline, alike, would be grayed from the use of this black fuel. Walls and ceilings inside of homes would be layered in soot. Coal dust would collect inside walls and attics, and would settle on the surface of drapes and furniture. The presence of coal was everywhere and dusting was a part of daily life. Many of the negative effects of this fuel were widely overlooked because it was such a powerful fuel.

Power and electricity are an integral part of modern life. We depend on power to heat and cool our buildings, to prepare and preserve our food, to light our homes, to run our appliances, and to power our computers. Technology scarcely exists without electricity. Without power, long lines of cars can be seen waiting to take turns passing through a busy intersection when a traffic signal goes out. Without power, businesses and industry come to a halt. We rely on power to fuel our lives, and yet fuel is required to generate power.

In past generations, it may have been difficult to separate the need for fuel with the type of fuel that was available, only because options were limited. However, after decades of ignoring the fact that some fuels create problems that don’t go away without intervention, the idea of stewardship for our environment is increasing. Why? Because there are better options.

The windmills of the Altamont Pass Wind Farm generate enough power to run 120,000 homes a year. This represents nearly a third of California’s emission-free energy. Harnessing the winds, such as those that approach 30 miles per hour as they pass from the coast into the Central Valley of California, is referred to as a passive energy solution. It is passive because it takes advantage of energy that is readily available without requiring additional fuel to generate it.

Similar to our outward energy needs, every individual person has a specific set of internal needs that fuels our motivations. This need for energy warms our hearts, preserves our hope, and lights our way. We are driven by desires. Our desire for comfort stretches our comfort levels to do hard things so that we can have more of what we want. Our need to eat and sleep compels us to put other interests aside. Our passions and appetites move us to act, which is a primary reason why we are here on earth – to learn how to act. As we learn to control these powerful motivators we learn to become more like God.

I believe that we often fail at separating our energy needs from the fuel that is required to acquire it. We may look at our desires and judge them as wrong because we associate them with pollutive processes. Or, we may justify the means of fueling our hope because our desires are so great. In either case, recognizing that there are better options will help us in our personal stewardships to control our desires, appetites, and passions.

Spencer W. Kimball taught that “Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner.” I love this example because it demonstrates that Jesus’ ability to separate the sin from the sinner, and the need from the act. As I follow Jesus, I become better at making the same distinction. Most often, when I desire to do something wrong, or something that may not be good for me, it is usually not because I have evil desires, but because I have needs that aren’t being met. As I separate the need from the act, I can then determine the best way to make sure my divinely given needs are met.

Our passions can be great motivations when properly controlled. But all too often, when these needs go unmet, we become impatient. When promised blessings do not arrive when hoped for, we often accept alternatives. This willingness to settle for something less than what God intended makes us both vulnerable and susceptible to temptation. When a trial is delivered instead of a needed blessing, we are tempted to doubt God’s integrity. Instead of trusting that the pain is a sign that something greater is on its way or is about to be delivered, we question why God has forgotten us.

Considering the windmills of the Altamont, there are passive sources of individual power available for each of us to tap into. It does not mean that we can be passive in collecting the energy. It simply means that God has already provided a renewable energy source that will cover all of our needs. I don’t think I can overstate the full meaning of “all” in this sense. Father wishes to give us everything He has. He wants to provide for us. He wants us to turn our hearts toward Him and rely wholly upon Him as a source of our faith and hope.

If a windmill is not turned directly toward the wind, the propeller won’t turn as much as it could. If the parts are not maintained, the windmill won’t function properly and the initial expense will have been in vain. Similarly if our hearts are not turned to God, and if our necks are stiff so that we are not willing to adjust to changing circumstances, we cannot benefit from the blessings that He offers so freely. We will not be able to benefit from the price of the atoning sacrifice that was made up front by The Only Begotten. His effort will not have been in vain, but we may not fully benefit from it unless we choose to act in a manner that is consistent with His teachings.

One definite advantage of internal passive energy solutions is that I can access that power without having to pollute my own spiritual environment. I don’t have to worry about polluting my inheritance. I can find deeper peace and motivation to live fully with less expense and effort. The power of God is readily available to those who seek it. The cost, as always, is a broken heart and contrite spirit. The cost is choice. It’s not a cost to be undervalued, for sure. It is much better than the expense of a shattered life, heartache, or regret caused by a lifetime of ignored pollution and spiritual soot. With that kind of mess, if you haven’t been dusting on a daily basis, you will likely have some serious stains to clean. That is still doable, but much harder by comparison.

The beauty of this kind of individual power is that it is renewable. It doesn’t run out, and it isn’t a burden to maintain. Simply put, it is clean, and pure, and constant. When we turn to the Lord, his blessings flow over, even that there is not room enough to receive them. They are endless and eternal.

Recently I learned something alarming about the windmills of Altamont Pass. While there are many positive benefits to this passive and renewable power, thousands of windmills can also have a negative impact on the environment. It is estimated that these power collecting tools are responsible for the deaths of up to 4,700 birds each year. It is frustrating to find that something so good can still cause so much harm. In this case, the best methods we have found so far may be better than burning coal, but they still have some negative impacts. I guess we’ll keep trying and keep looking.

In my own life, there are times where I try to meet my own needs while making good choices, and then find that I have been successful at someone else’s expense. It is very disappointing to get a needed break only to find that one of my children was hoping to spend time with me. I would much rather spend time with my wife, knowing that it is just as rewarding for her as it is for me. For the most part, I think I am pretty successful. When I am not, well, I guess I have an opportunity to keep trying and keep looking.

There are other forces in the world that have greater energy potential. The ocean is deep and has a constant energy that doesn’t stop. The mass of the earth itself stores heat that we are only beginning to tap into. The sun radiates light constantly throughout the day. Our methods for tapping the resources that are already there without negative side effects are improving.

Perhaps there is yet a better way to find the personal energy I need. I don’t think I have to change my needs, I just have to adjust my methods. If I bridle my passions the way we bridle the wind, then I have a greater potential for my heart to be filled to overflowing. I may make some mistakes in the process, but at least I know that God’s way is always the best way. When I follow the promptings of the Holy Spirit, I don’t have to worry.

One significant key to finding this individual power that is renewable and constant was revealed by the Lord. It relates to the windmill being oriented directly toward the wind, or the source of power. He said, “And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.” (Doctrine & Covenants 88:67) I may not have all the answers now, but if I seek the light of Christ, I will be better prepared to comprehend better solutions, especially those that have fewer negative impacts.

The closer I get to the source of perfect power, the closer I get to perfection. I may have a long way to go, but at least I know my course. My desires, appetites, and passions provide motivations to live more fully. My needs aren’t wrong, they just need to be harnessed. As I practice, little by little I gain a greater understanding of how to put that fuel to work without pollution. I employ better methods. I take advantage of the power within and without. I look for ways to become more like God. As I succeed, I am not only sustained, I am renewed. I become better.

Individual power starts with the power to choose. As I control myself in a manner that is pleasing to God, I find more energy to do what I need to, as well as the things I desire. For me, that’s the best kind of fuel.


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