Good Intentions, Side Effects, and What to Do with Them

Let me tell you about a personal awkward moment. I think I may have done some harm this week. Deep sigh. I really hope it’s not lasting. But you can imagine my frustration when I learned I had hurt the feelings of someone I care about. My intentions were good, but there were less than desirable side effects that followed my actions.

Reflecting on the last several days brought a second instance to mind. That troubled me. This isn’t the kind of thing I want to become a recurring theme. Then again, perhaps I’m better at creating side effects than I thought.

With the door wide open to my acknowledged faults, I wondered if there were other people I had affected inadvertently. My desire to know seemed to be an open invitation for examples from my memory. The unwelcomed intrusions did more than visit on the porch. They walked in the front door of my mind and brought company.

I sat in thought and began to count. One, two, five, eight…. While some examples were quite small, I recognized that a number of my choices this week had made someone else unhappy. Quickly feeling that the place where I house my thoughts was getting crowded, I closed the door on the line of applicants with comments for my suggestion box. One week’s time seemed like plenty to deal with.

The painful difficulty was that the examples were not anonymous strangers. They were people who are close to me – a brother, a friend, another friend, my wife, my daughter, and the list went on. Each one of them is a person I love very much.

As I considered my circumstance, I thought about a young Jesus who found himself in the middle of a similar predicament. At the age of twelve, he was found by his parents sitting in the temple with men who were listening to him and asking him questions. Mary and Joseph were distraught because they looked for Jesus for three days before finding him. When they asked him why he had dealt with them that way, he responded, “Wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?” (Luke 2:45-49) He intended to do good, and yet at the same time hurt those who were closest to him, causing them concern.

Less desirable side effects that follow good choices are not uncommon. While I may perceive a choice to be good, someone else may not. Choosing to have more family time may mean less of a favorite pastime for another family member. A decision to save money for a vacation may mean that some other budget gets cut. While discouraging to admit, I think this is just one of the many dilemmas we face as mortals. It’s hard to live without making a mess.

I don’t like negative side effects that smolder in the glow of hot embers. I would much rather repair the emotional distance and close the gap before it has the chance to experience continental drift. This often requires a change of perspective. While pondering how to mitigate the effects of my intentions this week, I remembered a significant conversation with my wife last summer. The outcome of that memory is what we refer to as the 1700 North principle. That happened to be our location when we made an important discovery.

Liz and I had gone for a morning walk and began to discuss a difference of opinion we shared. We simply didn’t agree. In spite of a beautiful sunrise, it felt like the day might be drawing to a close. I felt frustrated and so did she.

Our conversation more closely resembled a familiar tennis match. While we could see the thin net that divided us, and we anticipated where the ball would fall next, we didn’t quite see each other. The score was tied, but neither of us wanted to win at the defeat of the other. We just wanted to end the game. It was time for a different strategy.

You know, it’s hard to return a volley if both players are on the same side of the net. That’s a move that doesn’t make much sense if you like tennis. We found the strategy helps a lot when you care about a person more than you care about the game.

My next move started by admitting my faults and acknowledging how my choices affected my wife. That wasn’t easy to say out loud, but it felt necessary. With my guard down, it was easier for her to drop hers. Next, I expressed my intent in what I had hoped to accomplish, and I asked for forgiveness. Then I listened. I listened as she did the same thing, and the morning became much more enjoyable.

Each of us took down the fences we had built around our perceptions. For the first time that morning we considered each other’s feelings. That seemed to be the key to ending the game, and it worked. We didn’t change each other’s minds, but we figured out a simple way to navigate less desirable side effects from decisions we each thought were good. We worked through it.

The 1700 North principle has been very helpful to me when I find I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. As hard as it was, and as simple as it sounds, seeing was a matter of choice. I may not always be able to control how my decisions affect another person, but I can choose to reduce the gap by changing my vantage point. If I am going to have a recurring theme at the end of the week, I would rather be consistent in considering the feelings of others from the same side of the net.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Passions and Toilet-Ditching

Watching an incensed eight-year-old can be quite amusing. Listening to her is another matter. It takes a great deal of patience when passionate words are expressed with great animosity the way they were in our house this morning. The reason? A harmless gesture of friendship, I think. The culprit remains unknown, but rumors are spreading among those who know our oldest son. The victim? Our youngest daughter, or more accurately, her injured pride.

Snow came early to our house this year, or so it seemed. No one else on the block appeared to be affected by the fresh white stuff that was delivered to our address in the middle of the night. Our yard was lightly flocked with rolls of streaming toilet paper. It actually looked quite festive, I thought. In fact, it brought back some fond memories of when I… was the age of our oldest. Back then, we referred to such an event as being toilet-papered. This morning I was corrected, or brought up to date.

“I can’t believe someone ‘toilet-ditched’ our house!” Exclaimed our eight-year old. “They’re so mean! I hate them! I don’t wanna leave the house until it’s cleaned up. It’s too embarrassing! They even got our plants!” I had a very hard time holding back the laughter, especially since she is often not inclined to clean up anything. I had no idea that she would be so bothered by such a token of friendship. “It’s not funny! It’s mean!” She retorted.

Apparently she had recently been informed about toilet-ditching by a good friend who had witnessed the same phenomenon occur across the street from her house. That was enough reason for our daughter to be indignant. Having also heard about the previous event, our next two children in line by age had somewhat milder reactions. They asked, “Why would someone do that?” When we explained how teens often view toilet-papering as a gesture to demonstrate friendship and get some attention, they seemed to be okay with it and thought it was funny, too. But not our youngest. Nope. She simply responded, “I DON’T CARE!!”

I was intrigued by how quickly an eight-year-old can make a judgment based on perception and hearsay. Intent wasn’t even taken into consideration. Immediately, walls went up and she put herself on the defensive. Reasoning didn’t seem to have any effect. The strange thing was that her emotions were real and acute. It was as if she had been personally wounded by the toilet paper, no matter how many plies of softness it had.

Like many previous instances, I found myself doing some self-examination. Am I ever too quick to judge? Do I ever disregard intent and choose to hear the parts I want to hear? Do I blow things out of proportion over something silly? Do I ignore all the good things I know because something small offends me? The answer is yes. I would dare say that most people, if not all, are sailing in the same boat on that one. Though you may not recognize it, my eight-year-old and I have a lot in common. Hopefully a few more years of experience have given me some added sophistication, but I would still admit to doing the same things in smaller ways where my judgments have a little less bite.

This pattern is worth examining more carefully so that we are not overpowered by loud voices around us. Isaiah the prophet warned, “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter. Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!” (Isaiah 5:20-21) Becoming angry about a display of toilet paper in one’s yard may seem a trivial thing, and indeed it is. Failing to recognize the seeds of ignorance because of our own passions and interests is not so small of a concern. Anytime I make a judgment based on limited information, and then proceed to defend it based on even more limited understanding, I engage in the process of becoming ignorant. I begin to ignore another point of view in spite of the fact that the whole scene is before my eyes, if I will but look. I can listen if I so choose. “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.” (Matthew 11:15)

Compelling emotions such anger, love, fear, and lust become passions as they enter our hearts. Making room for good passions is not wrong. Allowing unwholesome passions to dominate our thoughts and feelings, both, is a serious concern. If our passions go unchecked, regardless of whether they are right or wrong, they become a prominent voice that can lead us toward ignorance. We ignore things that we should pay attention to. It is then that our passions override our reason and sensibility.

The prophet Alma cautioned his son, Shiblon, in his efforts to serve others with regard to passions. He said, “I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things. See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength. Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love….” (Alma 38:10-12) Alma did not tell his son to suppress his passions, or deny that they exist. Instead he told him to bridle them and control them. He instructed him to use caution by being moderate and balanced where he could maintain control. Depending on our choices, desire can become love or lust. Anger can lead to hate or positive action. If we can steer our divinely given passions, we have greater motivation to do good. It is when we allow our passions to bridle us that we become increasingly ignorant.

In my daughter’s defense with the case of toilet-ditching, there is a significant difference between ignorance and innocence, though both may result in the same outward behavior. If anything, I admire her absolute honesty in expressing feelings that she does not yet know how to control. Those who don’t have a full understanding of truth, but make the best decisions with the knowledge they have may be considered innocent. But those who have an opportunity to see and choose not to because they are empowered by their passions choose the path of ignorance. The danger of this path, the more we become familiar with it, is that we become less able to bridle our passions. As we choose to ignore truth and defend our passions, pleasure reinforces our ignorance as though it were a good behavior. We give up our innocence for ignorant pleasure.

Speaking of the mysteries of God, Alma taught the people of Ammonihah, “he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full. And they that will harden their hearts, to them is given the lesser portion of the word until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction. Now this is what is meant by the chains of hell.” (Alma 12:10-11)

Like our passions, our choices will take us in one of two directions. Choosing the path of the innocent will allow us to come unto Christ and follow Him. Choosing to be ignorant will lead us further away from the truth. At whatever level of ignorance we are comfortable with, our choices will lead us that much closer to the devil, causing us to follow him and become his children instead. If we truly know this, and then declare, “I DON’T CARE!” we demonstrate our own ignorance. Faithful innocence leads to intelligence, while fervent ignorance does not.

In His teachings to the Nephites of our passions and false self-justification, Jesus said, “Behold, I give unto you a commandment, that ye suffer none of these things to enter into your heart; For it is better that ye should deny yourselves of these things, wherein ye will take up your cross, than that ye should be cast into hell.” (3 Nephi 12:29-30) If these things have entered into our hearts, it would be best if they become dispensable and disposable like a roll of tissue paper. If we are going to ditch anything, it should be our bad habits, our unrestrained passions, and our self-justifications; not the Lord who has already cleared the path for us to follow Him.

On the matter of toilet paper, there are a few other things that are worth consideration. For right or wrong, our attitudes towards our passions, and the passions of others, can greatly affect our judgments. A favorable attitude towards someone we love deeply can sway our decisions to be more like them. A less favorable attitude with someone we do not see eye to eye with may cause us to misjudge their intent. In both cases, our integrity should not be disposed of like tissue paper. If it is to be dispensed, then care should be taken to share our integrity and not trade it. Once it is lost, it is hard to get it back. That’s not to say that you can’t.

In discussing our toilet-ditching with my wife this morning, she told me of a woman in the neighborhood where she grew up who had a unique attitude towards toilet-papering. There was a period of time in her family where, due to the popularity of her children, their house would be toilet-papered every other week. Instead of being angry, the mother simply tasked her children with the responsibility of gathering the toilet paper from their yard, like manna as it were, and then they would use the reclaimed tissue in their house. Consequently, they didn’t have to buy tissue paper for a long time. This mother chose to see this gesture of friendship, not as an intrusion, but as an opportunity.

What a difference it would make in life if we could harness our God-given ability to judge righteously in pursuit of intelligence instead of ignorance. When someone leaves you with a mess of toilet paper to deal with, figuratively speaking, it’s good to ask yourself, “What was their intent? Am I reading their intent correctly? Is this worth getting worked up over? How can I communicate more effectively to see their point of view?” So many problems in life would go away if people could learn how to communicate and see the point of view of someone different from themselves. Whether discussing something as trivial as toilet paper or a topic that is personal and sensitive, more can be accomplished when we are willing to have a discussion at all instead of saying, “I don’t care!”

Most situations in life have at least two perspectives. Except where eternal truths are involved, so much of what we disagree on is a matter of choice. Learning to see the point of view of others gives us a more complete picture. It’s closer to the whole picture. When we learn to see the way God sees – without bias, fear, prejudice, selfish ambition, pride, or self-justification – then we can enjoy the peace that is His, the peace that He so freely desires to give us when we turn our hearts to Him.

The cost of happiness is integrity of heart. This integrity is earned when we are willing to do the right thing for no other reason than because it is right. It comes when we are willing to put aside our differences and defend truth more than our point of view alone. This is a path to lasting happiness. Once you get a good taste, you will want to ditch any substitutes and dispose of them with your tissue paper.

Our passions, when bridled and used correctly, are powerful motivators for good. Governing our passions with integrity, to ourselves and to others, helps to maintain a focus on the things that matter most. Repeating this kind of behavior is my favorite kind of intelligence.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Someone To Talk To

Having a friend to talk with can be a wonderful gift when you are going through a difficult trial. Quite often, it’s nice just to have someone who will simply listen so you don’t feel alone. Many of life’s difficulties become much easier to bear when there is someone else who is at least aware of what you are going through. Their prayers can make a big difference in helping to bear your burdens.

Just prior to the Savior’s most lonely moments, he met with his beloved apostles for the Last Supper. He knew the magnitude of the burden He would have to bear, and he chose to be with those who were closest to Him. There he called them “friends,” and said, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you….” (John 15:14-16) What a beautiful thing it is that Jesus would trust and confide in those who could give Him strength in his trials. I can think of no greater compliment than for the Lord to acknowledge me as His friend. I can only hope that someday I will have lived worthy enough to have such a privilege.

As the evening went on, Jesus described the difficulties that He would shortly face. He also told His apostles the difficulties they would face as His friends. Yet He promised them a gift for loving Him. “And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth … for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:16-17, 27) Being a friend to Jesus is not an easy thing. It is sure to be difficult. During times of loneliness when our burdens seem greater than we can bear, I am grateful that He has promised to help us.

Recently, I experienced a difficult trial that weighed heavily on my heart. I felt that I was again riding upon the waves of a raging tempest, and the ups and downs seemed too hard to bear. What seemed worse was that I experienced a moment of ambiguity where I hoped to feel the influence of the Holy Spirit and did not. That influence had not left me, but I didn’t feel the clear direction that I had prayed for. Instead, I felt distance. I also found it very interesting that I did feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit in other matters, just not in that particular one. I believe I was being tested to see what I would do on my own.

I reflected on what Jesus did after the Last Supper as He went with His disciples to the Garden of Gethsemane. There he asked Peter, James, and John to watch and pray with Him. Sadly, in His time of need, they were not able to stay awake. Their own trials were bearing down on them and they could do nothing to help Him. It was in that moment of loneliness that Jesus called upon His Father in prayer and was strengthened by an angel who visited Him. Sometimes, when I need someone to talk to, and it seems there is nowhere else to turn, Father is always waiting to listen. I believe He gives us difficult experiences where no one else seems able to help because it causes us to turn to Him.

Earlier this year, I experienced similar trials where the ups and downs seemed unbearable. At times they felt like a rollercoaster of seismic activity. As that trial seemed to conclude I remember having the impression that the ups and downs of the previous year were just preparing me for another seismic event. I was being prepared for the next lesson. As I experienced a new set of ups and downs, I asked myself, “Is this it? Is this the culminating point of that impression?” I believe so. Remembering the impression didn’t take away the burden, but it did help to see that the Lord’s hand was in it and that I shouldn’t despair.

In the midst of the ups and downs, I found that I had emotional swings where I seemed to feel the spirit very clearly, alternating with moments of doubt and fog. On one particular morning a few weeks ago, there was an amazing thunder storm outside. I usually enjoy a good storm, but this time I felt different. Instead I felt great discouragement and despair. Things seemed very dark. I even felt as though I was encompassed about by the adversary, and I was troubled.

The next day I was still pondering the questions that had been on my mind, hoping for some answers. I ached. Before going to work, I stopped by a nearby cemetery to think and pray. That particular cemetery has been a good place for me to go when I need a few minutes of solitude – a place where I can eliminate distractions. I still felt confused about my direction. At times things seemed so clear, and then they would go foggy and not make as much sense. I was frustrated that I felt so distant from the spirit on this matter, that I was not receiving any revelation. That is when I began to pray.

As I sat in my car, I pled with Father to let me hear His voice again, or rather to have that familiar feeling that I am used to when I communicate with Him. I needed someone to talk to. As I did so, I felt the peace I was seeking return to my heart. I also had a reaffirmation that Father does hear and answer prayers.

I decided to test the pattern for receiving revelation, namely to study an issue out in my mind, come to a decision as to what was right, and then wait for the confirmation of the Holy Spirit. (Doctrine & Covenants 9:8) It is a simple process with many applications. Having faith in Jesus Christ is not just believing that He lived and that He will come again, it also includes having faith that what He said is true – true enough that it will work for me. This is what happened in my circumstance.

Pleading with Father, I asked a few questions and received some real time answers. It wasn’t like an audible voice. It was a very subtle feeling that I can never feel unless I am truly honest with myself and I have intent to learn and follow. The answers came as I asked the questions, tried to think what the correct answers might be, and then waited for the familiar feeling of the spirit to confirm or refute my thoughts.

In order to receive answers to prayer, I believe that the person praying has to believe, or at least have a hope, that Father does hear and answer prayers. He does so line upon line, and precept upon precept. This means that I may not receive the answers that I expect, but He will tell me just enough of what I need to know in order to complete my test.

As I asked my first question, “Am I wrong in my intent?” I thought in my mind that the answer was no. At the same time I felt the confirming peace in my heart that the impression was correct. I would have been uncertain had it not been for the familiarity of that peaceful feeling – a feeling that always comes when the Spirit of the Lord is near.

I then asked my second question, “Is my current course the right direction to continue in?” In my mind I thought yes, which again was confirmed by that peaceful feeling that comes from the Comforter. When I asked my third question, “Will my trial ever change?” I had a different thought that equated to, “John, that’s not for you to know right now. Be patient.” This, too, was accompanied by that familiar feeling. It wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, but I knew it was right in my heart. It didn’t come in the form of words, but as I felt the meaning in the impression, those were the words that seemed most appropriate to dress the meaning in. As I did so, the Holy Ghost confirmed that the feeling was correct.

Two additional questions were answered for me that helped me to feel better about the moments of clarity I had felt before. When I felt surrounded by fog and despair, it was easy to question those moments of clarity and doubt that my prayers had really been answered. Some of the questions were difficult to ask, because I believed I would get an answer I didn’t want. I did, but I had to know. I needed to feel like I could progress again. There are a lot of things I have wanted in my life, but above all, when I have tried to make the right choice, things have always worked out for the best. Though I didn’t receive all the answers I wanted, and some of the answers were not what I had hoped for, my faith was enlarged by the fact that I needed someone to talk to, and Father heard.

There is a verse of scripture that is very familiar to me, and definitely a foundation for my faith. The apostle James taught, “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” (James 1:5-6)

In order to overcome my own tempest-tossed emotions, I had to stabilize my faith first, and put my trust in God. For me, that meant that I had to be willing to do whatever He wants me to do. If I can be completely honest with myself in that regard, then He can be honest with me.

Not all answers to prayer come instantaneously. Mine came after months of prayer, work, and pondering. Some take more time than others, and usually this has more to do with my own understanding. When I don’t get answers to the questions I ask in prayer, I try to examine why. If God reveals things to us line upon line, am I asking for an answer that requires me to skip several lines? Is there is a simpler question that is more pertinent to my current circumstance? If I can’t have the answer to why, then maybe I can at least get an answer to what I should do right now. Asking, “What would Thou have me do?” can help me sift through what I want in order to discover what God wants for me at that moment.

God’s purpose in testing us is to help us. So often it seems that needed help comes when I am about to give up but choose to hold on a little longer and rely on my faith. That’s when I receive my witness.

By the end of that day, other events occurred that were an answer to my morning prayer, as well as months of prayer. My trial had come to an end, or at least that part of my lesson was complete. I am sure I am only being prepared for the next test whenever it may be. But this much I know, each of us is given trials to test our faith. If it is my faith that is being tested, then it is my faith that I should apply as quickly as possible. Any delay that I exhibit may prolong my trial. But when I turn my heart to Father, I know that He hears and answers prayers.

Most importantly, I have again learned one of the many ways that Father will answer prayers. If we have the faith to study out a question and come to the best answer possible, He will send the Comforter to let us know if the path we are on is correct. Though we may each feel the Holy Spirit in a different way, the pattern is promised. We need not endure our own Gethsemane to be assured that God lives and that He hears and answers prayers. When we need someone to talk to, He is always listening.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Sticks, Balloons, and Hang Man

This morning I compared two different messages presented in sacrament meeting as I sat in church with my family. The first came from the pulpit. A member of the high council had been asked to address the topic of “What would Jesus do?” The second message was being delivered simultaneously by my oldest son and oldest daughter who were sitting just to my right. Together they were irritating each other by drawing stick figures on the back of the folded meeting program. Oddly, the graphic representation looked nothing like the message from the pulpit. Yeah, big surprise, I know. Welcome to parenting.

I’m not exactly sure of the sequence of events that escalated the family feud on a pew, but from what I am able to reconstruct, it happened like this. My daughter asked my wife for a pen so she could keep herself entertained after the sacrament had been passed. Having received said pen, or weapon as it were, she began to draw. Seeing that my daughter was having a good time, my son thought he would contribute some of his own creativity to her illustration of what I thought was an interesting and well delivered message from the assigned speaker. I suspect that my son may have briefly commandeered both the paper and the pen to make his move.

I observed as one stick figure was added to the other and the two figures began to have a conversation. Remarks were ballooned adjacent to their heads like you would see in a comic strip. A nice volley developed as balloons began to fill the page and I could tell there was a little heat coming from the paper. Well, he said this and she said that, and before you know it, someone had a weapon. I don’t know if the potato gun came first or if it followed another weapon of choice, but shortly after the exchange went from words to weapons, there were a large number of other stick figures who appeared on the scene. The new mob, which appeared to have been drawn by my son, led to cartoonish cannons and shoulder mounted fire arms that resembled bazookas. A few more remarks were ballooned on the page, and then some of the remarks escaped the drawing and came from the author’s mouths. Those balloons weren’t so visible, but their emotions were. “Hmmm,” I thought. This is interesting.

I don’t know that either of my children was necessarily guilty or innocent. They just were. They were my children and they did what siblings do best – they annoyed each other relentlessly. “Nice,” I thought. Here I am being inspired and the two of you are blowing each other up.

The little feud drew to a close as my daughter, bound and determined not to be outsmarted by her older brother, was fired upon by her father. She had just drawn an even larger cannon with two more stick figures. The figure at whom the cannon was pointed at was labeled as my son. The figure adjacent to the lit fuse was labeled so that I knew it was her. I could tell that the look on her face was not deliberately maniacal, but it was the look of, “Now I’ve got you! Take that!!” That’s when I asked if I could see the folded paper and I added a third label. I simply wrote, “Jesus,” off to the side and handed it back to her.

My daughter’s expression of accomplishment deflated like a balloon without any remarks left to hold the air in. She’s pretty bright and she got the message without me having to add another balloon. She sagged a little and then started to repair things. Before the cannon had a chance to fire at said brother and recipient of focused animosity, she intervened and protected his stick figure by building a wall in front of him. She then cut the fuse to the cannon with a pair of newly drawn scissors. In a manner of speaking, she saved the day. Having three people in the picture made all the difference, at least for her.

I don’t know that either she or her brother had listened to much of the talk, but she and the speaker came to the same conclusion – when we keep Jesus in our lives it affects all of our decisions and leads us to greater happiness. If we let Him, He will show us to a better way. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6)

This little exchange led me to think of another lonely, solitary stick figure of a man. I am thinking specifically of a simple game of hang man. Perhaps I assume too much if I believe that most people reading this post have played this game at some point, likely when a beloved Primary teacher or Sunday School teacher was absent and another poor, unsuspecting soul was asked to substitute at the last minute. How many times have you been in such a position and had to punt for a lesson, hmmm? Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me. All the same, the poor little guy who is the object of the game did nothing more than you by showing up to class, and yet he becomes a victim of a unique type of abuse, namely a lack of communication.

In case you haven’t ever had to punt for a lesson, and you have not yet felt the magic of relating to this nostalgic example, let me briefly sum up the rules of the game. One person has something on their mind. In an attempt to be obvious, they give a clue that “something is up” by drawing a hangman’s noose and by drawing a line. In reality, they draw several lines that represent the letters of a word that they are thinking. That is the signal that they game has begun. Then it is the job for the other person, or persons, to guess what is on the mind of the person who provided the noose. Correct guesses allow appropriate letters to be filled in above the lines, saving our little bystander for another round. Incorrect guesses send our little friend in a sticky situation to the gallows where he his hung because someone couldn’t guess what someone else was thinking. Great game don’t you think?

How often do we draw a line on the ground, taking a position of defense, and then expect the person we are having a disagreement with to discern what we are thinking without any additional information. “Someone is going to hang for this, and it’s not going to be me,” is something that goes unsaid but seems to be implied when we play this game. It is also often followed by mobs and weapons, even if only on the stage in our minds.

A close friend of mine said she prefers not to play these kind of games. “No subtexts, please. If there is something you want to tell me, just say it. I don’t want to guess.” Knowing this type of openness was welcome helped me to be even more honest than I was before. I have tried to apply this principle in every aspect of my life, and I am finding it works.

In light of these examples, another set of stick figures comes to mind. They are everywhere. Perhaps you have seen them most recently traveling on the rear of a vehicle with tinted glass. Usually there are two larger stick figures positioned on the rear window that represent a mom and a dad. Then there are a varying number of smaller figures that follow which often represent children. I have also seen a number of dogs join the procession, and one car that had several bicycles that followed. To each, his or her own, I guess. The point that I would like to make is that the stick figures all seem to be happy. No one is firing cannons or bazookas. No one is getting hung. For some reason, everyone on the rear of the vehicle seems to be onboard with the idea that a family is a pretty great place to be. Life is good.

Within my own stick figure experience, I find that I am happiest when I get one thing right. It’s when I put the sticks down and increase the balloons that I am happiest. Open communication always makes things better for me. It isn’t meant to be a game as much as it is a gift. Open-fire with a bazooka does very little to make me feel good, even if it is as harmless as a few remarks on paper. When I choose to hold back information that could help resolve hurt feelings, I am really setting someone else up for a game of hang man (may he rest in peace) and that’s just not fair. However, when I choose to fill my balloons with honesty and a willingness to work things out, that’s when I remember that Jesus is there on the sidelines, not only as a referee, but as my coach. He is always willing to show me a better way if I am willing to let Him.

So why is it that, like this morning, a sermon can be delivered to me directly, and yet I have to learn the hard way by playing cruel games? Not sure. But I’m starting to figure things out, and I like how it feels. I like the feeling of peace and accomplishment when I face my fears and communicate how I am feeling to resolve my concerns. All I need is the right kind of balloons. No weapons are required – no heat, no noose – just enough faith to overcome my differences.


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A Deeper Conversation

Anyone who knows me well also knows I love a good conversation, and the deeper the better. I love to talk with friends. The energy that comes from an enjoyable discussion of meaningful things can fuel me for days, and often longer. My interest is not talking for the sake of talking, but conversing with the intent to share. It isn’t just exchanging ideas, but finding something else in common. Sometimes it may be an idea that we agree on. Sometimes it is merely the fact that we can express different opinions openly without worry of causing offense or needing to be defensive. Most of the time, it’s just nice to have someone you can trust who feels the same. This type of sharing lifts me and inspires me.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk with a close friend of mine. We interrupted my errands and his lawn mowing for an unplanned visit and had just such a conversation. It picked me up for the rest of the day. In a matter of a few minutes we talked about a number of things that both of us had in common and felt strongly about. I ate it up. Consistently, I have been grateful that my friend has been willing to share with me, and challenge me, so I can grow. That is a priceless gift.

I talked with another close friend of mine yesterday as she was pulling weeds in her garden. Regrettably, we didn’t have time for a longer conversation, but the few minutes we did talk were very uplifting. I was grateful that a friendship could have that kind of effect. My feeling is that this is possible not just because of the conversation, but because we share other things in common, more than words alone. As I’ve mentioned, it’s nice to have someone you can trust who feels the same.

Many of my Salty Pockets posts this year have been tied to discussions I have had with my closest friends. We have shared ideas and have lifted each other. Then, almost without the ability to prevent it, that inspiration seems to spill out in everything else that I do. For me, this overflowing has been a beautiful thing. It has given me much to reflect on in regard to my closest relationships, and the conversations we have.

Daily, I have opportunities to talk with my Father in Heaven through prayer. These visits don’t have to be planned, but they need not be sporadic, either. Occasionally, I offer much longer prayers because my heart is so full and I need someone to talk to who I know will listen. I need a one-on-one connection with someone who understands me perfectly, so I pray. I find that when I do schedule these conversations regularly, I maintain an ongoing connection that uplifts me unlike anything else. Because we share something deeper, even a prayer that lasts a few minutes can go a long way to keeping my tank full. Each minute adds oil to my spiritual lamp as I prepare for the eleventh hour of the night.

Perhaps, like me, you have also had many conversations that aren’t so deep or substantial. Usually the subject matter is fleeting and inconsequential. On some occasions, small talk is brief and very convenient when you have something else you would rather be doing. It is easy to greet as a gesture, acknowledge the weather, and then move on to something that you consider more worthwhile. Perhaps, like me, you have wanted a deeper discussion, but the other party was anxious to get on with something else. It may not have been because you weren’t important to them, but perhaps because something else was pressing. I sometimes wonder if I do that to Father.

Planning to pray two, three, or even five times a day may be easier than matching my habit of prayer with real intent. If I really intend on talking to Father in Heaven, do I schedule time to talk with Him? Do I believe He will really listen and answer my prayers? Do I believe that I can not only pray to Him, but have a deeper conversation? My hope is to clarify the reality that Father wishes to converse with us as much as we want to converse with any close friend, and that this is really possible. The method is prayer made practical through practice.

Ashamedly I will admit that too many of my prayers with Father have had more resemblance to small talk than a deeper conversation. Instead of a dialog that has gone back and forth, I have somewhat hurriedly greeted as a gesture, acknowledged my thanks and what I needed, and then moved on to other things that were pressing. Yikes! Even as I say this it sounds awful and incriminating. If you think there is a possibility that this idea could also be mistaken as criticism towards anyone who has similar simple prayers, please pardon my offense and take a closer look at my intent.

One thing I do not wish to do is disrepute the power of a short, heartfelt prayer. Father blesses His children whenever they do what He asks, and to whatever degree that they offer. His words are clear, as given through His Only Begotten Son, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8) There is great validation that the Savior repeats the same thing twice, both in future tense and in present tense, with a statement of the result as though it has already happened. That is how Father works. Whether in the past or the future, it is the same. He does not lie, but keeps His word.

Perhaps, for those moments where I am looking for more, and I need more, I can plan for a deeper conversation with Father in Heaven. If I look beyond simply pouring out my heart to Him, hoping that it will be enough, I can pause to listen to what He has to say. If I am uplifted by conversation with a close friend that is deeper than small talk and strengthens my connection with that friend, why could I not enjoy the same blessing with a Father who loves me more than I can comprehend?

This idea of prayer as a form of conversation presumes a few points, which I personally have found to be true. First, the heavens are open. Father does not intend for us to walk aimlessly without direction. Rather, He speaks to His servants the prophets, and He will speak to us when we ask. Second, Father wants to give us every good thing. He is not selfish, but is waiting for us to be selfless so He can trust us with His treasure. Third, He has commanded us to ask for the things we need. This allows us to grow in faith when he answers our prayers. The only thing we have to lose is our faith if we choose not to ask at all. Fourth, God gives to all men liberally and doesn’t get upset when we ask Him for help. He is ready to give us more than we ask for, if we ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, and have faith in His son, Jesus Christ. If we believe these things to be true, then all that is left is to try.

The idea of prayer being conversational may sound disrespectful, as though it were too casual. As we offer up the prayers of our hearts, if we do not believe there can be an exchange, we shortchange our faith. We prevent Father from giving us the blessings He wants to give us. I also believe that we need to approach God in reverence and respect. Because He is perfect and I am not, I should not approach Him with a request as though I were haggling for a price at a store, believing that I had something of equal value to trade. Instead, I need to realize that His ways are not my ways. His are always better because they are perfect. His gifts are always greater than anything I have yet imagined. When I am willing to submit my will to His, Father can pour out blessings that will overflow into every part of my life because I am learning to be obedient. I am learning to be trusted.

An obvious follow up question to this notion may be, “If I haven’t had a conversation with God before, how can I begin?” I believe we start by understanding the two most important parts of a conversation – learning how to talk, and learning how to listen.

Very little caution has been given to what we say in our prayers except where we are presumptuous, proud, or selfish. “Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers.” (Doctrine & Covenants 112:10) Ask, “that all may be benefited that seek or that ask of me, that ask and not for a sign that they may consume it upon their lusts.” (Doctrine & Covenants 46:9) When you pray, “use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.” (Matthew 6:7) Instead, “ask whatsoever you will in the name of Jesus and it shall be done. But know this, it shall be given you what you shall ask….” (Doctrine & Covenants 50:29-30)

One of my favorite examples of this attitude of prayer is when the Lord Jesus Christ was teaching His people among the Nephites. “And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus prayed unto the Father, he came unto his disciples, and behold, they did still continue, without ceasing, to pray unto him; and they did not multiply many words, for it was given unto them what they should pray, and they were filled with desire.” (3 Nephi 19:24)

What a wonderful thing, to be taught by the Holy Spirit how to pray, and to be filled with the desire that allows us to do so! Whenever I don’t feel like praying, but I know I should, I consider this scripture. Then I ask Father in Heaven to help me. I ask Him to teach me how to pray again and to fill me with desire as He did the Nephites. I have found this simple step works as often as I have the desire, or even as often as I wish I had the desire.

If I believe that Father wants to give me every good thing, this belief should lead me to have faith enough to trust Him. It should help me to want what he wants me to have, because it will be better. This doesn’t mean that I have to give up my desires. It also doesn’t require that I add the tagline, “if it be thy will,” at the end of my prayer. What it does mean is that I can ask him to teach me how to pray. I can ask Father to validate what I am praying for while I am in the act of praying. Because the heavens are open, and God does speak to His children, I can ask if what I am praying for is the right thing. But this requires the second part of the conversation, namely, listening.

The Lord has told us that He will give us answers to our prayers by confirming our thoughts and feelings through the power of the Holy Ghost. First, he expects us to study the issue to the best of our ability. Next, we should come to the best conclusion we can based on what we know. Then we should ask if our conclusion is right. If we are right, He will tell us by confirming truth in our minds and in our hearts. (Doctrine & Covenants 8:2-3) A stupor of thought will suggest that it is not true, but the warm burning feeling of peace that comes from the Holy Spirit will help us to recognize that it is true. (Doctrine & Covenants 9:7-9)

Applying this pattern to listening suggests a simple way to carry on a conversation through prayer. If I have a question I hope to have answered, and I ask, believing that Father will answer me, I should save time to wait for a response. If you haven’t done this before, I might suggest starting with a simple question to which you might expect a simple answer. You might try questions such as, “Father, are you there?” “Are you listening?” “Do you love me?” “Did Jesus really give His life for me?” And then wait for the confirming feeling. Yet, it is important not to forget the pattern for inspiration and revelation. Study it out, come to a conclusion, and then ask if you are right. If I feel that something is true, and then I feel a peaceful confirming feeling that reinforces it in my heart and in my mind, then I begin to understand how revelation works.

After experimenting, I may move on to less simple questions. “Are there prophets today?” “Do you speak to them?” “Is the Bible a true book?” “Is the Book of Mormon true?” If God has promised to answer such questions by the power of the Holy Ghost, then I should not doubt that He can answer more complicated questions. In this instance, if I want to be taught how and what to pray for, I might say, “Father, I am having a hard time making a decision. I have a few choices I can choose from, and I would really like this option, but I’m not sure it will be in my best interest. As I have looked at the possibilities the best I can, I feel that this is the way to go. Am I right? What would Thou have me do?”

In most conversations, one question may lead to another. By asking the right questions, and by coming to my own conclusions during my prayer, I may have additional questions to ask. The first time I experiment, I may only have one question. But, if I make prayer practical through practice, I may find that my prayer becomes a question and answer session where more information is shared. Those prayers have come to mean a lot to me, and they work. Prayer is such a simple yet powerful act. It is a means of communication that allows us to access the power of God and receive direction in our lives.

The key word to receiving “more” is merely to “receive.” The prophet Jacob taught, “Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works.” (Jacob 4:10) In order to receive answers to prayer, I must be willing to tell Father what I would like, come to a conclusion, ask if it be right, and then be willing to accept the answer. It is not appropriate for me to tell Him what to do, or tell Him what is right. If I am not willing to accept a perfect answer from a perfect being, I may not be in the right frame of mind to receive an answer at all. This dilemma goes back to my first premise that a conversation has two parts. If I am not willing to listen, I am not willing to have a conversation. Contrary wise, if I am not only willing to listen, but I am willing to ask and continue learning, then I am prepared to talk with God.

Small talk has its appropriate times and places, but I usually get out what I put into it. It may be, if I want small blessings, that small talk might be enough to help me get what I need. I take great comfort, however, that Father is waiting for me to realize that He really is there to listen. He does want to help, and He will when I am ready to let Him. It’s up to me to take a few extra minutes to find sincerity and real intent. It’s now my decision whether I will be sporadic or plan time for a scheduled conversation. In either case, He is ready and is always available. The sky is the limit. While spending a few minutes with a close friend is nice, my preference is always a good conversation; with Father, the deeper the better.


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Passing Opportunities

In keeping with my focus last week, I made a new friend this morning. What a great way to start the year! It was a remarkable encounter. At my request, this new friend gave some advice to me, as well as his gratitude for my wife whom he has never met. He passed on some of his experience and I was uplifted. He offered to help me with anything, and I believe him.

Yesterday, I received word that a friend of mine had just passed away after struggling with cancer. Gratefully, my memory of him has not yet passed. It warms my heart to have known him, to see his strength, and to have shared common experiences. I am grateful for the time I could be in his home.

Another friend recently went through the process of taking and passing the examinations to become a licensed architect. I was happy to congratulate him on his successful accomplishment. I knew what that was like, to prepare and to achieve. What a great feeling to pass!

Thinking about each of my friends this morning prompted me to consider a tangential thought that has been on my mind of late. Passing. I have found that the word pass is used in many varied contexts. In fact, a quick internet search led me to identify over eighty-five different uses for the word “pass.”

Passing is often an action that I may do or allow. To pass can mean to go by, across, over, or beyond. It may also mean to let go, or allow something to go, such as passing on or declining an invitation.

I think it is ironic that one word can have two related meanings and yet be opposites. If I pass on some sort of information to another person, my actions suggest that I approve enough to give it to them. But, if I pass on an opportunity, this usually means that I don’t approve enough to accept. It is this duality that makes me curious – to “pass something on” or to “pass” on something is a choice between allowing and declining.

Looking at the children my wife and I have, there is tangible evidence that we have passed on more than good looks (and I’ll let you be the judge of whether or not we have done that.) Our kids have picked up our habits, interests, humor, sarcasm, likes, and dislikes. Perhaps they haven’t picked up all of them, but they have caught enough to know that there is more to passing than genetics. This leads to another definition of the word.

Pass can also mean circulate, disseminate, spread, convey, transfer, or transmit. Intentional or not, this meaning has a lot to do with what we communicate to others, or what we think valuable enough to share. I recalled another childhood memory the other day that seemed to fit this meaning so well that I hope you can relate. It is all about the Parker Brothers’ game of Pit.

One Christmas when I was small, I remember receiving a magnificent gift. My grandparents had given me a toy helicopter with multiple spinning propellers. It was a wonderful present in my eyes, but it hasn’t lasted as long as the memory of what happened next. After we finished unwrapping presents at their home, Grandma had pumpkin pie waiting in the adjacent room. We ate and then proceeded to play a game of Pit that was totally unfamiliar to me. If you haven’t played, let me sum up.

Pit is a card game of exchange. A deck of cards marked with different grains (flax, hay, oats, rye, corn, barley, and wheat) are dealt to those playing the game. Each player attempts to trade their cards to acquire a hand of a single commodity. In this game, there are no turns. Once the game begins, players begin making offers with anyone who will trade cards with them; three oats for three barley, or two flax for two wheat. The person making an offer has to find “value cards” that are of some worth to another player, or they will find themselves short of making any deals. The first player to acquire all nine cards of one grain rings a bell ending the round.

In addition to these commodities, there are two other cards that are shuffled into the deck and dealt as part of the game. One is a bear, and the other is a bull. The bull is a wild card. If a person has the bull when they acquire all nine cards of one grain, they double their points for that round. However, one left with the bull who is not successful at obtaining a full hand loses points. Similarly, anyone left with the bear cannot win the game, and they also lose points. While the bull may be of value, the bear never is. When a player trades the bear or the bull to someone else without their knowing, this is referred to as “slipping the bear” or “slipping the bull.”

Now that I have told you how to play the game, you can forget most of it. What I hope you will remember is that the players are about to exchange cards with other players. Everyone is looking for something, particularly cards that are of value to them. Everyone is looking for someone who will trade those cards with them. It feels good when you make a good trade, but not so good if someone slips you the bear. The former makes a good friend, while the latter is less so.

I didn’t really see the point when I first played the game. In fact, I was probably a sore loser because someone slipped me the bear and I didn’t know what to do with it. To be honest, I can’t remember. Since then, the point of the game has increased in value to me as I think about the opportunity of sharing things of value with others.

Consider two people who engage in a conversation. Both hope to gain something by sharing. The conversation may not last very long unless both people feel rewarded, that is, if they both feel they gain something of value for sharing. The difference between the game of Pit and the game of conversation is that I don’t feel like I have to acquire a full hand of the same card in order to talk to someone. Instead, I am merely looking for valuable cards. In fact, I am often willing to trade five of my valuable cards for a single card that is of value to a friend. The card they have to offer may not even be a card I have seen before, but knowing the card is of value to them makes a lot of difference to me. I prize it more because they were sharing something that meant a lot to them. The more important the card is to the person I am talking with, the deeper I value the conversation. I don’t mind offering more as long as I know the cards I offer will be well received.

Occasionally you may meet someone who wishes to talk to you who intends to slip you the bear. They may not be interested in sharing something of value. Instead, they may only be looking for someone who will listen to their complaints. I don’t mind hearing about someone’s complaints if they are looking for help, especially if I can do something about it. However, when someone shares something just so they can get it off of their back and onto mine, I feel like I have been “slipped a bear.” This is a frustrating moment when the bell rings, the conversation is over, and you are left holding a yucky card. I have decided that I don’t like playing that sort of game.

Since the game of life has different rules for winning than the game of Pit, namely the golden rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you – I have made a personal decision to only play cards I think will have value to someone else. I look for ways to increase the value of the conversation. I hope I can offer more than I expect in return because I know that what goes around comes around. Besides, the Savior taught, “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” (Matthew 25:40) I try to be careful not to slip someone else the bear.

It seems funny to me that in some settings common sense is more common than others. For instance, most people with any consideration will use caution if they have a contagious illness. Someone with a common cold will refrain from shaking hands or touching someone else if they are carrying germs. They are careful not to pass on something that may harm a friend or a stranger. There are times, I believe most often unintentionally, that we are less cautious with information that may be compared to a common cold.

The headlines of newspapers are full of sensational information. The story may be unique, or it may even be strange or unusual, but this does not always equate to valuable in my book. News does not always mean valuable. New only suggests current. It is not uncommon to pass on information that we refer to as current events without consideration to whether or not it will be of value to the person we are sharing it with.

This idea of news may also be applied to gossip, rumors, or even things that may be true but will have no positive effect on others. Just because something happened doesn’t mean it was entirely helpful. Sadly, though, we are more careful about passing a newly acquired illness, such as a cough or a cold. In fact, it is not uncommon to wash one’s hands clean of the germs to make sure that contamination is not spread. For times such as these, it may be prudent to have your own little container of hand sanitizer to help wash your hands of contaminated information, no matter how true it is.

The Lord gave Joseph Smith instruction on how to share with others most effectively. His way always includes an invitation for the Holy Ghost. While His pattern was specific to sharing His message of the gospel of Jesus Christ, there is some application in every conversation of His disciples. The Lord said, “Wherefore, I the Lord ask you this question—unto what were ye ordained? To preach my gospel by the Spirit, even the Comforter which was sent forth to teach the truth.” (D&C 50:13-14)

There are some truths that merit the witness of the Holy Ghost. Truths about God, His plan for His children, the divine role of the Savior Jesus Christ and His atonement, or truths that are taught by His servants all invite the divine witness of the Holy Ghost. While there are other facts that are true, such as the color of the sky or the injustice committed by a stranger, these truths may not merit a divine witness. Here then is another meaning of value.

The Lord continues, “Therefore, why is it that ye cannot understand and know, that he that receiveth the word by the Spirit of truth receiveth it as it is preached by the Spirit of truth? Wherefore, he that preacheth and he that receiveth, understand one another, and both are edified and rejoice together.” (D&C 50:21-22)

Valuable information should uplift and edify both the one offering the information and the one receiving it. The beauty of sharing cards of greater value, especially spiritual value, is that there is a greater likelihood that we will invite the Holy Spirit into our lives. When we do, our lives become better.

Jesus continues with a warning and a charge, “And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness. That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” (D&C 50:23-24)

As we learn to play this game the way Father intended us to play, we will find that our cards are replenished. As we offer cards of value to others, we will not run out. On the contrary, the cards we have to offer are increased. As we focus on Him, our cards become more valuable and more desirable. Jesus refers to this value as light, or His light, the light of Christ. We gain more light as we seek it and as we share it. The light of the Son is always available unless we shut our eyes to it. But we can only focus on one thing at a time. We can focus on the strange and unique, or we can look to God and live.

A true disciple will be careful of what he or she receives. This same disciple will then be careful what he or she imparts to others, to make sure that a brother, a sister, a friend, or a stranger has every opportunity to win the game. It’s a nice game when everyone can win without having to have a loser. This doesn’t mean that all players settle for sameness. Each can have a perfect brightness of hope with every opportunity for a brighter day.

Passing through life comes with the opportunity to pass on what makes us happy. A passage often refers to a way or connection from somewhere or something. What will you allow yourself to be connected to? To whom will you trade things of greater value? What kind of game are you interested in playing? It is a choice of allowing things of value and declining those that aren’t. The question, “What will you pass on?” can have two meanings. Personally, I prefer passing opportunities to others rather than slipping the bear. I would rather accept the opportunity to do good rather than pass. A game with “high value cards” is my kind of game. It results in relationships that are deeper and more meaningful.


http://saltypockets.blogspot.com/

Rocks and Raspberries

The situation started with me making a courtesy call and my wife thinking I needed to be rescued. I had been on a long bike ride and was feeling a little dehydrated. Realizing the time, and that we were supposed to be at a family birthday party soon, I decided to call my wife and let her know I was running late. What I didn’t know was that she was working on a surprise for me. We were about to celebrate our fifteenth anniversary the next day when I made the typical “guy” blunder of miscommunicating. Silly me. The short-of-the-long-of-it is that she came to pick me up, bike and all, so we could arrive together at the party.

I learned very early on in our marriage a principle that has secured me almost certain happiness. “The wife is always right.” While she and I jest about this regularly, I have seen a number of marriages that would have gone much smoother if the guy had only figured this out sooner. Well, I figured out something else that I will carry with me a very long time. It was significant enough that I asked Liz if I could quote her. I think she obliged me hoping that it might actually stick.

Where I really went wrong was in not expressing enough thanks to my wife for interrupting her plans to help me. We discussed the matter on the way home using very short sentences. The next day the subject came up again and she gave me some really good wisdom about gratitude. “Tell me once and it just registers. Tell me twice and I hear it. Tell me three times and it sinks in.” Now you know one of my weaknesses. Hopefully you can relate.

This new insight came while we were walking together on the longest hike that we have taken with just the two of us. It was very rewarding because we had a chance to share, and we were using longer sentences. We talked about ideas. We made top-ten lists of people we are closest to, or who have had the most influence in our lives. After fifteen years, we still had some unexpected answers. We have found that the more we talk, the deeper, richer, and more meaningful our conversations become. There are few things in life that I enjoy more.

Something else I enjoy, though not nearly so much, is raspberries. I think they are hands down my favorite fruit in the world. I keep telling my wife that one of these days I hope to drive to Bear Lake (which is famous for its raspberries) so I can buy a large flat and devour it very selfishly in one sitting. Well, in fifteen years it still remains on my list of things to do.

Earlier before our walk, Liz prepared a small breakfast that I carried in my backpack. It included some delicious fruit but, alas, no raspberries. Most of our hike was uphill to where an arched concrete bridge crosses a small waterfall. I had determined that we would stop for breakfast nearby in a little alcove where a spring emerges from beneath a large rocky grotto. The trees and plants make it very cozy and inviting. I have wanted to take my wife there for about four years since I first discovered this unique little place, but we had never managed to get there. Personally, I had been there many times as the location was also along one of my favorite running routes. However, this time was different.

We had reached the top of our ascent and I had planned to show Liz the grotto. That is when she said, “John, look.” I looked to the side of the path where she stood and realized that she had discovered wild raspberries. There were quite a few of them. Some bushes were low and some were higher up the hill. We decided to try our luck and found that these particular raspberries had a different taste than we had ever experienced before. It was, without surprise, a wilder flavor, and it varied slightly from bush to bush. Some were a little sweeter, to her liking, and some were tarter, to my liking. I stood there and marveled at how many times I had been there and had never noticed my favorite fruit. It was only when we were there together that we made the discovery. I think we both felt that raspberries were personal seashells that day. It was the start of a practically perfect day. We spent a lot more time that day in deep conversation. Though we didn’t spend a lot of money, it was a wonderful anniversary.

Conversation is not the only thing that becomes deeper, richer, and more meaningful as we communicate. Sharing is a significant part of any relationship. The more we share the more we connect, each connection strengthening the bonds between us. Relationships become deeper, experiences become richer, and life in full view becomes more meaningful.

As much as I like to eat raspberries, I really would be self-focused if that was all I expected to eat in a relationship. I certainly cherish the good times, and relationships that are dearest to me, but we don’t find the best berries without a small dose of rocks. The hike is so much more rewarding when we overcome the rocks of life together. We don’t have to chew on them. That just damages your smile. Rather we should negotiate the path to climb them, move around them, and eventually get past them. Once we conquer them, they become our trophies.

The prophet, Moses, identified the ideal society when he described the city of Enoch in Moses 7:18 as a people who “were of one heart and one mind.” I don’t know how we can achieve this state unless we are willing to share things in common and work out our differences. This takes a certain amount of negotiation around the rocks. A good relationship also benefits from faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, kindness, and charity, as taught by the apostle Peter in 2 Peter 1:4-11.

There are many in the world who would have us think that the rocks are not worth it. If you can’t find someone who can always deliver raspberries, then it’s time to move on. Really, that’s the difference between Hollywood and Reallywould. If I really would like to be happy, I have to be willing to take life for what it is and make it better – together.

Yesterday we experienced some different rocks. Some good friends of ours invited us to go tubing with their family. In some places, the stream we traversed had just enough water to let us go by in the tubes. I’ll confess that a couple of times, the combination of my size and the size of the rocks caused me to bottom out and get stuck, not to mention a little bruised.

At one point I was trying to help our youngest daughter negotiate the rocks when her tube capsized and she went underneath the shallow water. Her tube floated down stream before I could catch it. Placing her on my lap, we made another attempt at the stream. Again, she lost her balance, causing me to lose my balance, and we both went into the water. I found that trying to save a small girl from her presumed drowning in shallow water while standing on slippery rocks makes it very difficult to catch your tube as it, too, floats down stream. Once again, I found that “the wife is always right.” Liz had calmly collected our tubes, returned to meet us on the banks of the stream, and had come to rescue me again. Sometimes you just give in and say, “Life is good.”


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